29 October 2010

Have You Ever Been So Lost?!

Being a guarded person means a lot of stuff is .. guarded.
Feelings, emotions, secrets, thoughts, the usual.
So I guess that's why i've been feeling so lost lately.
I was going to say down.. but I think that's not the right word.


that's it.

I'm never afraid to be alone, I'm terrified of being lonely.
And lately it's been like watching myself in a film, I can't remember the last time I was close to someone, like mentally, physically, emotionally. any of it.

Perfecting the balance of energy that is academic focus and personal focus is something I evidently still haven't got the grasp of.
Your soul isn't something to be shied away from. Its everything. It's your emotions and your thoughts and feelings and your reactions all bundled into one and i don't knwo where mine is at the moment.
But I'm guessing it's somewhere between my head and heart.
I've been acting like I have everything to lose when in fact, I should be performing at my best, my most reckless, because I have absolutely nothing to lose.

Trying to find someone who understands is a general failure in my area.
I think I literally got rid of all my 'friends'
I use this term so loosely now.

I've always had people around me, but no one who knew me.
That alone wasn't something that I was expecting to backfire on me.

I fell out with my best friend.

I don't think to this day that they cared about me that much.
Nothing got resolved.. and maybe just forgetting about it isn't going to work, because it's still there isn't it?!

I'm generally lost in my life.
I'm trying to push through it but it is fucking hard.
and I hardly see the point half of the time.

Love, friendship, all that shit.

whats the point.
especially when no-one is willing to be there to help you along the way.

Someone help me restore faith into the human race, cause i've been there and done that shit and so far no-ones been.. THERE.

gimme someone who's not going to walk out at the last minute, or when things get hard.
gimme someone like me.

it's like I'm trying to shine and all the lights already been stolen out of me.

"if i pray do the words just go to outer space?!"

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