4 September 2010

Septic.

i tried and i tried to get you off my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by.

I didn't realise how much of an effect someone has on you until you are numb.

I was so numb to everything. and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feelings anything.
I wasn't feeling happy or sad, or excited.
Then i realised, I wasn't feeling happy in comparison to what you made me, sad in comparison to how you made me feel when you left.
Or excited to what you made me all the time.

I wasn't feeling, because I was only feeling the loss of you.


You forget how all the bad stuff went, the reasons you argued, the reasons you feel out.
But the good stuff, the way you made up after the arguments and the lonliness you felt when you fell out.
But the thing about that, there was always the security that you were gonna make up again, get back together and kiss and make up.

I blocked this out so much, and finally letting it out, letting myself feel,makes me realise.


Blocking out is something easy that we do.
We find something that for that moment in time makes us forget, or makes us feel just a tiny bit.

You know what that is.

Love.

Tryna forget that you are still in love, still so not over any of that.


So for now, i need to get cut, just for now.. just so my soul remembers what a cut feels like, instead of tryna pass them off as grazes, just embrace them for what they are..hurt and pain.

Then they can heal, keep sticking salt in them by not letting myself feel them doesn't help.




ps. i'm still not over you.