29 June 2010

I'm Letting In A Draft.

Okay so let me explain:

Basically, I like to blog,
I think you caught that drift.
So when I feel something that i know i could just write and write about.. i will!
However, sometimes, I feel so much and I have so much to say that in my head i'm just not balanced enough to go with a good flow.
'So I create drafts.'
I say 'create' but its more, thoughts that can't be preceded.
Thoughts that are too honest or hurtful.

But we all know.
We move on, we find perspective, we heal.

So I've decided, I'm tired of going into my blog and seeing my drafts of past feelings and emotions.
So i'm letting it go.

This will be a long blog of letting go.
Think of it what you will.
You may not care, but you may find interest.
I sincerely hope you take something away from it.
I know even though unfinished.. I did.

And last, i do not mean to damage or hurt anybody's feelings with what I feel.
I genuinely write the truth.

Lets call this.. the end of a blogging era, but the beginning of a new unphased one.

Draft 1: So Screwed Up.

Oh god help me.

If things were simple in my life, I would seriously give a homeless person a fiver everyday.


Draft 2:Sit Back Relax And Enjoy The Ride.

These are the words I say to myself when I realise I have lost control.

And sometimes these are the best times.
When if something cocks up, its not my fault, and if something is the best, i enjoy that and don't have to worry about maintaining that level.

Well, when you do it, you appreciate it right?!


Draft 3:One Day I'll Have You Tattooed On Me

And if you make it to that, then you know that you are pretty much stuck with me forever.


Draft 4:Lets Just Say..

That wasn't an option.


Draft 5:Alice...

Things are bad again.

Everything's gone.

The absence of him is everywhere I look.

But I wish I could tell you about...

He makes me feel better.
When I'm with him its like the hole in my chest is healed.

He makes me feel alive.


Draft 6:The Thing Is..


I clocked that I'm exactly the same situation that I was in before.

I said, ahh i learnt from that, won't do that again.

Pshh, nice one Parris.

Everybody gets separated at some point.
Even when you vow to stay together for the rest of your life, you have to be separated at some point. An illness, or a job, a trip, moving house... anything.

Its the CHOICE to stay together through that, that shows the connection between two people.
I say choice, because we all know those people that just stay together because they feel like it, because they don't want to hurt someone.

I don't know how to be in a relationship, i don't think anyone does?!
Yeah okay, we've all heard the lines and tactics to getting a girl/boy but keeping them.


Draft 7:I don't know the meaning of the word..

Can 'love' really explain that much.

Why're you with him?! love.
why're you putting up with this?! love.
why're you waiting around for him!? love.

heard it all before.

BUT it really does explain EVERYTHING.
Just think, if you can't think of anything but to be with that person, why should you be away from them?!
why should you have to hurt or mind when you text them or offer to do something?!
because if you love them these things shouldn't matter.


Draft 8:You are my inspiration..

When it all comes down to it,
all we need in life is inspiration.

A little bit of that, a little bit of spirit and we're set to go.

So if someone's your inspiration.


Draft 9: Poetic license.

I don't know whether this is good or bad?!
I guess only one person will be able to tell me.
But tbh, i'ma writer not a poet.

In my head, it makes sense, that's all you need to know.

'But there is no comparison to loving you.
They say to taste you is part of to love you.
And to touch you or smell you would be all part of loving you,
yet none of these things compare to the feeling of actually loving you.
To having you, to wanting you.
To watching you watch, as I watch you, watch me.
And to stand and hold you as we hug and lean.
I hate you so much for the intense, insane, love that burns from the very core of my being to the tiny pores of my skin.

I ooze love for you. I be for love. I am for love.
Love for you, love for me, love for us.
And yet as we are two.
I've never felt so much as one as a two.

The smell of your skin is the very oxygen to my flowers of love and your very kisses are like the teeny tiny drops of water on their fragile leaves.
And the innocence and purity of this is one that will never deceive.
Because the day I fall out of love with you will live long past the day that my earth stands still. The day my thoughts diminish along with the life in my heart and the blood in my veins.
But just know my love won't ever be competed with another,
as to love you is as is easy as breathing.'

so i love you.


so there, i've let go.

feels good right.

yep me too.


25 June 2010


We all try and avoid them, but when it comes down to it, people find comfort in them.

I thought it was just me that was actually terrified of labeling something.

Apparently not.
I'm not the only one, that finds there doesn't need to be a label on something for it to be
understood, loved or accepted.

we label things, people, groups, feelings and much more.

We don't like a person because they get labelled as the 'uncool kid',
or we fall into a relationship where we're 'boyfriend & girlfriend' and we know its way to early for this sorta stuff.

But we're pressured.

Yeah happens everday.
Get used to it?!

Or just don't do it?!

don't label it, just...go with it.

i think i prefer it that way.

As long as you know where you stand in your life with your situation.

you'll be fine!

and don't forget, it's alright to be vulnerable sometimes..

too many people trying to front like they're okay ALL OF THE TIME.

I should know.

Vulnerability isn't weakness, if anything it shows you're strong enough to let someone else help you feel.

So, this is just to let you know..

it's alright kid!

6 June 2010

I Think..

a lot.
About me, about you, about life, about consequences, and reasons, about 'why's' and 'but's', about relationships and family.

I try and make sense of it, by writing it down, or having mental conversations.. with myself!?

But none of it helps.
So I just ride the wave.

My problem is that I grew up too fast.

Not in a bad way.
I just mean, I kinda skipped the immature 12 year old stuff, that you hit when you're like 14.

So I hit this age faster than most of my friends.

I still have elements of that jealous little 12 year old, but they're rarely shown.

It takes a lot to make me upset. So if i'm upset you know i've taken a lot.

In recent past times I was upset.
No not upset.
I was hurt.
The fact that somebody could go back on their word to the extent of damaging someone's feelings, and not care.

I contemplated 'cacooning'
a process in which I would hide for a while to collect myself then reappear, a different better person.

I've done it before, it works.
But it's almost like running away.
I hate people that run away.

"That's what I'm doing. No hiding, or going away. Just cacooning. I feel I need it. So I guess other people would say that, 'there's a light at the end of the tunnel' or 'you'll get through it' But if I do then surely I'll be the same person, in the same situation, I just would have gone through a lot of hurt to get to the point where i'm alright again!? Nahh, I'll change thanks. So that's why i'm wrapping myself in my cacoon. Then nobody can touch me till I'm emerged. I guess its that phase.. you know the one i talked about before.. where i'm losing myself. you remember.. taking up hedonism!? yeah that one. I wish writing a poem or a song helped in situations like this, but its actually fairytale stuff. If I wrote a poem i'm sure i'd be judged :("

That was my frame of mind.

Tragic right?!

So then I got saved.

No knight in shining armour.

Just a friend.
Just a different perspctive.
Just a person.
Just my hero.

oh and Jason Derulo's album.

So as i'm back on track..

I've kinda succumbed to the idea of

'it is what it is'

I either, stand and face it or cacoon.

So right now, i think i can brave it.

So basically this is just a thankyou.

'Nothing is a problem till you see it as a problem'

i'd give it all up baby, trade in the world to show i'm falling..