19 May 2010

The World And All It's Swagger..

''is my oyster, so lets eat it and get freaky.''



I think what happened,
I lost my concept of time.




I was really rushing, thinking about what I was gonna do when things left me, or I no longer had them in my possession.

With Exams and the mental drive thats been pushed into me by teachers
'you have no time before exams'

Didn't exactly help did it?!



People have to understand that to do something great, you have to be great!

If you are an average joe, your only going to do average joe things.

If you are great gale, you will do great gale things!




So now I think I'm back on track.

I woke up this morning and thought

I'M DOING ME BITCHES.

and that's what its about.





I will try and advise people on what to do and where to go, and sometimes
I just need to take my own advice.

We are our own enemies.


Anyone else who is an enemy is a wasteful time and energy source.

Why would you try to impress and better a person that isn't yourself?!

I don't know, thats an 'image thing'
straight up.

So currently i'm feeling a lot of amniosity in the camp.


uh oh.
I done a Parris.



BEGINNING.


Right.


I'm me, you know that, I know that.

So for years I go on the struggle..
no not struggle, wrong word.. erm Quest?!
Of finding myself.
Everyone does.

And the people you meet along the way help that.
Whether they hurt you, help you.

They all go towards it.

They all add up to make the circuit of energy.
remember that one?!

And if you get into a bad circuit.
You fall off to join a new circuit.

So ANYWAYS.

I have my own thing, I do my own thing.

Why would someone want to cop that?!


swagger jacker



There are so many people that say 'this is my swagger', 'my swagger goes hard'

Yeah it might go hard, but its doing it with ten million other bait black boys, who wear their trousers to low, and 'MC'
Or
ten million other bait light-skin girls, who show to much flesh on facebook and claim to be 'models'

We grew up in the same city?! how has the outcome been this?!

We've all seen it.
lets not beat around the bush.

So I try to do my own thing.
not with what I wear, but with what I think, how i approach things.



now if someone started to copy that I would be pissed right.



Don't even go there.

single white female anyone?!


So yeah I just don't get it.. you're you, i'm me.

thing is,
I do me, you do me, problem is, you don't do it very well at all.

Now this ISN'T a vein thing at all.
If you aren't proud of you, and who what you are then I can't help you.

It's hypocritical to chat about individuality when you are only feeding off what I am creating.

They say imitation is the biggest form of flattery.
It might be but it pisses me off.

I've always been me, and the only reason i've never been anything else, is cause I only know how to do me.

Be yourself, that is all i am trying to say.

Feel how you feel.
Speak how you speak.
Dress how you dress.



I know you've all been there, its either a close friend, or a hater.
Maybe even a little brother or sister.


But they slyly start to copy you.

DONT DO IT TO YOURSELF.



Be you.
I can't understand the mentality behind wanting to be someone else, its a lot of effort for something that you will never do well because you are you.

get me!?

What i'm tryna say is,
don't conform.

Conformity is invisibility.
How do you expect to get noticed when you are the double, slightly worse version of someone else.

Understand?!

The thing is I can't be angry at these people either, i pity them

Obviously they haven't had the support to find themselves enough.


The one person I can't imagine losing is me.


Without me, I'd die.










10 May 2010

Energy

I'm so confused right now.

I know what I want.
I just don't know how to get it.
usual symptoms of confusion.

I don't understand how I got put in this situation, when I was the one who got hurt in the first place.

'don't overthink things'

i don't overthink anything, I know the situation sonny boy.
I would just rather get it all out in one go then do little iddy bits of explanation.
alie?!
i feel things.
And i still feel that achey feeling in my chest.

But now I know every time I see something, I have to hold on and savour it because I don't know when I will get the next bit.
After the achey feeling, i never get the weird rush anymore.
I get the slow drone of my head catching up with what my chest is feeling.

disappointment.
of every situation.

This is cheesey, overrated and overused,

but you are actually like a drug.

But then I realise, all of this energy that i'm wasting trying not to feel like this.

It's not you particularly I want.
It's not you that I miss insanely.
It's not you that my body is emptily aching for.

well thats what i'm trying to convince myself.


Its the feeling of being wanted.
Not an attention thing.

An energy thing.


The amount of energy that I had when I wasn't worrying about all the things that you didn't say.
The amount of energy that by just talking to you would fill me with.

Its insane, because we all know what energy is.

'The food that preserves in your body is then reacted with ATP which then reacts with the enzymes in the muscles that create, ATP-PC (phosphate creatine) which then fuels your muscles for demanding exercise.'

obviously we all knew that.
and yes that was my own explanation.

and its ridiculous to even try and justify that by being with someone, the ATP in your body would be released..actually its unfathomable for me to even think that.

However.
I might be slightly gassed on avatar.
don't judge me.

But everybody has an energy flow.

Now my family are catholic and i was born and raised a catholic,
however I believe religion is a personal thing, that shouldn't have to be celebrated through a man in a church and a bunch of hypocrites.

So I've sort of started my own search in religion.
I studied Judaism, and seriously considered joining the faith, as I understood it and it spoke to me on a different level however the strictness of it was to restricting for me once again.

I them went on to study and take part in a Jehovahs witness 'meeting'

that was interesting.

a good insight.

however its still not for me.

Then when i finally came to terms with the death of my grandpa.
I realised I could cope with stuff by myself by mentally balancing the vibes around me.
It sounds very commercial and 'ohh i've found jesus'


but this all relates back to me believing in spirituality rather than a religion religion.
get me?!

So yeah everyone has connections and that's how people survive, because they make connections.
Whether with people they just bump into on the train for a journey or a person they have known all of their lives.

the connections and energy flow is what make people feel so strongly about eachother.

Its a system.

No not system, i don't like those.

It's like a circuit.
yeah thats it a circuit and if it gets broken, it only works on one side.

And then nothing gets anywhere.

Everything is within us.

thats what i'm trying to say.



So this wasn't meant to be a religious post.


But do you understand why I am energyless.
I have been disconnected from a connection that was potentially strong.



But aside from that spiritual stuff.
I wanna punch your face in, you spineless ass :)

oh safe.

bit harsh.
cause actually i really like you,
but please get a grip and realise what you're missing out on.
don't reel me in then throw me back.

big headed?!
possibly

right?!
more than likely.


I'm so glad i learnt to deal with rejection a very long time ago, and i know have a real perspective of what is important.









4 May 2010

The System

I remember on an advert once, they said.

'We know you don't want to beat the system, you just want it to work'

I'm sure the advert was for loans or something adult.

But the more I think about this, the more wrong it is.

I don't want the system.
The system means no leeway.
The system means routine.
What is the system!?
Well there's a system to everything right?!


School.
Work.
Life.
Relationships.
Eating.


Everything.


School: primary, secondary, sixth form, uni.
Work: employee, employer, manager, boss.
Life: born, grow, live, die.
Relationships: meet, court, kiss, marry.
Eating: Starter, Mains, Desert, Coffee.


See!? now, some of those systems you want to work obviously.
You couldn't go sixth form without having gone to secondary.

But some are stupid.Like mind bogglingly stupid.


Why in life do you have to grow before you can live.
I'm not grown.
I am living.
And if you think that I'm stuck in sixth form, and going out on a friday night is living for me,
you're wrong.
I live.

I live because I don't shy away from feelings, I feel and embrace it.
I live because if I'm going to do anything I do it with the biggest amount of passion i can squeeze out of my little body.
I live because I am ALIVE.



And then there's eating.


we'll leave the relationship till last.

Why have your desert last!?
because its the best part of the meal and you have to wait for it.

Okay 'remember me moment'

IF a comet came and hit the restaurant or place where you were eating, before you ate your desert then you would have been deprived of the best part of the meal.

Are you going to deprive me of my last happy moments?!

OF course the chances of that happening are about as slim as lindsay lohan on the atkins diet, but do you understand!?

Why chance not being happy or waiting for something when you can have it right now and savour it.


It makes perfect sense.


IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Why do you have to go by the system?!

because society says so.
Well society can suck my left ball.

Fuck society.

They fucked me over a long time ago, when they said i would never fit in.
Never do well.
****


Why does the boy have to ask the girl out!?
Why does the girl have to be sexy!?

So many questions, to answers we already know just choose to ignore.

lets go back to the start.
no cheryl cole.


I don't know whether its boys in my area, or just boys I know.
And yes I am generalising here, but not on all boys, only the ones I know.

So they like the girl.
They tell the girl they like the girl.
Then they proceed to act liek they don't like the girl?!

mistake one.

They want to take the girl out.
So they take her out a few times.
Then they claim that they're spending too much time together.
No more taking out.

mistake two.

They want to kiss the girl.
So they kiss the girl.
They then don't kiss you any more because you're in public.
No more kissing..


STRIKE THREE YOU'RE OUT.

Do you get this!?

Number one.
girls don't want to play games.


If you like her you like her, don't change your mind because you think she'll chase you.
If you are taking her out, inviting her round.

WTF is she going to think when you stop!?
Oh okay then, a few tears, a few nice phone calls, jokes about not seeing eachother.

Nah mate, she's serious.

Why stop spending time with her to portray an image.
If you like spending time with her, i'm sure she likes it too otherwise she wouldn't be there.
Quetions can be answered but feelings cant stay hidden forever.

now PDA's
not the biggest fan in the world.

BUT COME ON.

you cannot ignore her because there are people around.
i've seen this happen way to many times.

'whats wrong with ...' 'oh nothing he just doesn't like talking to me around his friends'

?!!?!?!?!?!!

jerk.



So whether you are a girl or a boy.

wake the fuck up.


I'm so pissed off by people playing games.
and once again it all boils down to honesty and feelings.

How honest are you gonna be when it comes to them.
is this just about being yourself!?
cause i've heard that way too many times.
but maybe i'm just too like myself, thats why i don't see the sense in changing for anyone.

Cause to me it makes no sense to waste time.
It makes no sense to want for something and depriving yourself for an image.


If you don't like me tell me.
Its easier to let go when you know you have no chance.

wouldn't you agree?!

But all the time I think I can still hold on,
I will keep trying.


And NEVER ever say you do when you don't



you will hurt somebody and its more yourself than anyone.
Carry the guilt that you fucked somebody over, and it hurts more than getting fucked over.
Been there done that got the scars to prove it.


*angry session over*

i'm sure i'll be back later with a blog, where i'm as happy as beans

but for now.



if you don't follow the system theres no need to beat it.


Waiting ParrisOH?!





2 May 2010

Help, Missing.

So I'm thinking about getting a new piercing.
Not sure what, majorly leaning towards septum.

i'd marry him
thoughts?!

It will be a change to my face,
but like i said,
its my face.

****
So I was skipping through old pictures.


I miss my old face.

moment of silence

You know, the one with no piercings, stretching's.
The one that used to be a little bit chubby and wasn't so well groomed?!

I (as well as the rest of the female population my age) have become obsessed with looking after myself.

But then again what else do we have to do with our free time?!

Read books and watch films.

Have fun?!

I used to have fun, I still do!

don't watch this as a depressing trip down memory lane, more a reflective look back.
It was so easy being around people that didn't care what you looked like, and you feel no pressure to always look your best.
basically it was easy being 12.

i miss that.


Now this isn't a self-evaluation of any sort.
In fact, the pressure to look good comes from more myself than anyone else.
As i'm sure it does with most people.

If you walk outside feeling gross.
someone tells you, you look nice,
but you still feel gross.
that's you not them.

But missing-ness
*yes i made up that word, along with a lot of the rest of my vocabulary*

It hurts.
If we didn't have the capacity to miss someone or something then i reckon life would pass by a lot faster, but a lot easier.

Honestly, how much time do you spend missing someone.
Whether you like it or not.

Every time you smell that familiar smell.
Every time you say their name.

you miss them.

then whether you like it or not,
you spend further time trying not to think about stuff that would make you miss them.

missing-ness is a bitch right.

But the thing is, most things get better with time.

Regret, pain, cuts, bruises, insanity!?

But missing-ness doesn't.

You simply learn to live with it.

IT GETS WORSE.
You now spend every second of your day either thinking about them, or thinking about how to not think about them

confused yet!?
then as time goes on you forget to remember all the bad times, and what made you have to leave that person to miss them in the first place.
That's when it gets worse.

and it's no longer a sharp pain in your chest and a a quick prick of the tear ducts.
Its a long slow, painful ache.

And i'm sorry babe, but you're not letting go of this feeling that quick.

The worst is missing someone because you don't know anything else.
Sometimes you can reminisce.
But when you know nothing else but to miss this person when you're not with them,
that's when your pretty much screwed to the rest of the world.

So they don't know you miss them, and you can't tell them, because then that's just as bad,
and you risk the thought of 'oh my god stalker..run' quickly flickering through their head.
or even worse.

'They're not who i first thought they were'
that one right there is a killer.

So yeah back to the point.

You miss them because you crave the urge to be with them, surrounded by them and immersed in them.

That's when it hurts, because there is no logical reason for it apart from love.
Not that love silly.

love of being around them, love of feeling loved.

And at the end of the day thats all humans crave.

Love: the feeling of needing to be wanted.


So if you want to hug me
(i'm hoping for lots of applications here)
apply wherever, whenever.

IF we don't miss, we don't appreciate what we have when its there.

Sometimes, i miss so much i forget to say.

it feels kinda natural now.

To constantly want for the moments that relieve me from the missing-ness.



so while sitting here, fighting the urge to cry, the lump in my throat, the need to call him, and the urge to slam my head into the keyboard for falling in the first place, i feel to tell you this.

I don't write these blogs for your entertainment.
I don't write them as indirect explanations of my feelings, or anyway to let someone know something.
I'm not bait and i'm not sly,
but i'm not naive and i'm not shy
no rhyming intended there

I pretty much write whats in my head and heart
(dont laugh for that cheese)

It helps me, not you.
Because whatever I say on here, I can pretty much tell whoever what it is about.

This isn't a secret, or any forbidden information not to be talked about.
This is for me to try and get a reasonable explanation so that maybe someone will go.
'i get that'

Basically this is my only chance of sitting down with myself and being real.
I don't think people appreciate real-ness
(have you realised my love for putting 'ness' at the end of words and claiming them as my own?!) as much as they should.
They just sorta refuse.

Someone claims they're real, and people say no they're rude.
HA.

Just take me for me.
I ain't gonna hide or shy away from natural feelings right.
Thats too many peoples problem.
If they admitted to themselves how they feel and had the confidence and respect to speech that, then feelings wouldn't be such a taboo subject between people.

So yeah, i like someone.
yeah i want him
yeah i miss him.

Yeah i miss the other person.
yes you should tell him/her how you feel
yes you shouldn't use excuses as a reason for not.
yes you can talk to me if you're confused.

i'm there too, but
i'm not afraid of my feelings are you!?




OH?!