29 November 2010

Wanting is my Need

People always try and distinguish the differences between want and need.
They say if you want it, you don't need it and if you need it, you don't want it?!
But really, if you want it, you do need it.
Love; if you want a partner and you want that feeling of security, then i'm sure you need it. I'm sure it will make you a better person; if you don't abuse it. SO you do need it.

Money; if you want money. I'm sure there's some reason behind wanting it. You might want to buy a better house! As far as I know a house is a need and neccesity.
As far as I know, nobody wants just for wants sake. There is always a theme of needity behind it.
Wanting is the same as needing. I think it's just been given a different name because the reasons behind wanting something maybe aren't as prominent or urgent as needing something.
Just because you have to go out and get it or say it is what you want to gain, doesn't mean that is it any less important. Generally people that go out and tend to their wants and needs,
get everything they want and need!

The same with needing. It's usually because someone else wants it for us that we don't usually WANT it. A need is something thrust upon us. Either by society or a person, a situation or consequence. We don't usually want it because it wouldn't have been our first option.
Just think. Nobody wants to walk around wearing fifteen different layers, hats, gloves and scarves. But because of the cold weather we HAVE too. We NEED too. Everything we need, we know deep down that we really want.
So essentially want and need are the same things in a roundabout way. So next time someone asks 'why?!' or says 'there's no point you don't need it'. Say that you wanted it and really... there is no difference between them. And next time you need something, consider that it's something you might want aswell.

Ain't no question, if I want it, I need it - 'Ye

8 November 2010


What are you gonna do with your life!?

I HATE this question.

I HATE thinking aboutthis question.

I HATE answering this question.

I don't have an answer!

atleast, not yet?!

I know its all about the usual stuff..Uni, Work, family etc.

Why've I got to do that!?

Now i'm not diminishing the value of any of those things, and I want them all..

But what the hell happened to spontaneity?!


Mine has been crushed lately. hmm for a while.

I generally blame it on being in the same place for too long.

And I think that is it.
I'm such a fidget, but you know when you generally LOSE your mind from seeing the same things, knowing how a person is going to act, knowing what is going to happen next.

Like wtf!?

Spirit is so important and I don't know how to explain it.

The only way I can try to describe is;

you know when you get a tingly warm..complete!? feeling inside and your brain goes

'yeah, yeah i got this'
When you have a sparkle in your eye.

When you get excited for something to happen because you don't know what the outcome might be.

And when you are excited by ..life!

When you are the kid that everyone turns to because you are permanantly happy.

Not a forced happiness but a warm, belly gut feeling happy

And shit might be hitting the fan,

but you still have the mentality to do something about it, because you know that you will get through it, and it will be better.


that's it.

I didn't realise how important it is to have determination like 95% of the time.

There's so much I feel I want to do, not even long term, short term i'm talking and if someone was looking in on this situation, they would be like, DO IT THEN

But there is something in the way, and thats me..

Without strong spirit, I make up every excuse or say 'tomorrow..'

It's so wrong, because that's not me.

I'm laid back, not lazy.

I'm authoritive, not bossy!

I'm an action first, think later person.

29 October 2010

Have You Ever Been So Lost?!

Being a guarded person means a lot of stuff is .. guarded.
Feelings, emotions, secrets, thoughts, the usual.
So I guess that's why i've been feeling so lost lately.
I was going to say down.. but I think that's not the right word.


that's it.

I'm never afraid to be alone, I'm terrified of being lonely.
And lately it's been like watching myself in a film, I can't remember the last time I was close to someone, like mentally, physically, emotionally. any of it.

Perfecting the balance of energy that is academic focus and personal focus is something I evidently still haven't got the grasp of.
Your soul isn't something to be shied away from. Its everything. It's your emotions and your thoughts and feelings and your reactions all bundled into one and i don't knwo where mine is at the moment.
But I'm guessing it's somewhere between my head and heart.
I've been acting like I have everything to lose when in fact, I should be performing at my best, my most reckless, because I have absolutely nothing to lose.

Trying to find someone who understands is a general failure in my area.
I think I literally got rid of all my 'friends'
I use this term so loosely now.

I've always had people around me, but no one who knew me.
That alone wasn't something that I was expecting to backfire on me.

I fell out with my best friend.

I don't think to this day that they cared about me that much.
Nothing got resolved.. and maybe just forgetting about it isn't going to work, because it's still there isn't it?!

I'm generally lost in my life.
I'm trying to push through it but it is fucking hard.
and I hardly see the point half of the time.

Love, friendship, all that shit.

whats the point.
especially when no-one is willing to be there to help you along the way.

Someone help me restore faith into the human race, cause i've been there and done that shit and so far no-ones been.. THERE.

gimme someone who's not going to walk out at the last minute, or when things get hard.
gimme someone like me.

it's like I'm trying to shine and all the lights already been stolen out of me.

"if i pray do the words just go to outer space?!"

6 October 2010


The only difference between reality and dreams is perception.
If you perceive your dreams as becoming a reality, then the world is endless to you.
When you draw the line between what you can dream up and what you can achieve is when the word 'impossible' is entered into your vocabulary and mindset.

When people say seeing is believing and positive thinking,
does that stuff generate from a higher power?!
like God!?
Or is it just a way to make people believe they can actually achieve something?!
I'm not sure.. i guess optimism and positivity help all situations, but hard work and a dream is the most productive thing you can have towards any sort of work you are doing.
The thing is my reality and dreams aren't blurred together yet, I'm trying so hard but sometimes they are like magnets attracted to other things. I got the right mindset and the right ingredients. But its like my ingredients are chilli and chocolate.
I can fry the chilli in a pan and its cooked, but i can't fry the chocolate without it being destroyed.
And i can melt the chocolate but i cant melt the chilli.
Does that make sense?!
I guess hopefully soon i will come to see, i can fry the chilli, melt the chocolate then mix them together..I've got the right ingredients but they can't cook in the same pot.

Two things that shouldn't go together but weirdly do when you find the right process.

So for now, my reality and dreams are in two different situations.
If I can improve on my dreams then I know that my reality will fit in perfectly and vice versa. As long as I keep a grip on what is real and what is actually happening to me, then I'm set.

Those people that start living what they believe is their reality but is actually a
very distant and unsuitable dream.. you know those ones.

Roll with Armani and drive a Bentley but live in a council flat in south?!
Extreme but a definite example.
Doesn't make sense?! so live within your means, then you can work on making your means expand.

Live hard and dream harder.

3 October 2010

MIKE STAR - Recognition Promo

18 Year old Medway Rapper MikeStar has dropped his new promo CD 'Recognition', following his initial one,'The beginning'.
The new promo is named almost ironically 'recognition' as MikeStar did not recieve the recoginition he wanted out of his first tape, however back with a bigger and better sounding cd, he has worked with Dub-Candy's artist SG to create a more raw and realer cd this time round.

The 'recognition' cd has a more personal and deeper meaning to MikeStar which has made this cd a 'big comeback' from his initial promo. MikeStar's distinctive sound places him highly in the Medway/Kent, rap/grime scene.
Working on a joint cd with SG titled 'The New Approach', and the official Mixtape 'London Raised & The Kent Phase Vol.1', MikeStars work rate is one to be reckoned with and as 'humbly said' by MikeStar himself, he may just be the 'Best Rapper in Medway!'

Download the mixtape here: http://www.datpiff.com/Mike_Star_Recognition_Promo.m150864.html

Jeff Spec Album Review

A review for the Canadian rapper Jeff Spec I did, on his new album, 'Sneakerboxxx'.

Jeff Spec - Sneakerboxxx Review

by Parris OH?!

After coming across Jeff Spec, by a friend sharing a video with me, with a message that followed; 'I think you share your love for sneakers with this guy too'. The sincerity in that sentence was a resounding truth. With the cleverly named album 'Sneakerboxxx', Jeff Spec is a fresh, old school sounding, and sneaker-obsessed rapper from Canada. With clever rhymes and a flow to match, the originality from this new rapper leaks from his lyrics to his trainers.

With Jeff Spec's raw sound, it reminds us that hip-hop is definitely not dead. The album with its tracks that flow easily into each other is easy listening and a must listen. With his real talking lyrics from tracks like 'My Story' and his obvious love of music and the culture that surrounds it, which is portrayed throughout the album, - Jeff's sound is kept humble with old school beats and the relaxed fresh flow of his vocals.

After hearing the first track that was shared with me, the Canadian rapper's, 'On my feet', was the smart personification of trainers and the simple but artistic shooting of the video went perfectly with the old school vibe that oozed from this track. Sneakers now as a strong part of hip-hop culture, have been glorified even more, with this chilled out track. While not taking away from that, it however reiterates the satisfactory feeling of a fresh sneaker sitting on the bottom of your leg through hip-hop music.

The start to the album, kicks off with 'Turn it up', a great summer-feel track. As probably one of the most musical tracks on the album, its jazz feel and summer vibe make it one of the most chilled on the album. Along with 'Love like that', feel good sound is something this guy is a pro at covering, while keeping it real.

Its obvious how Jeff Spec wants to keep rap alive, with tracks like, 'Truck Sh*t' and 'Whenever You Fall'. Sounds of his influences and era, such as being an 80's baby flow through the album also with very clever collaborations with artists such as soulful sounding, Narai. There is no genre that Jeff Spec hasn't covered, tactfully and smoothly.

For any lovers of rap, old school hip-hop and a real talking rapper and anyone that thinks real music isn't made anymore, you are sorely mistaken; keep in touch with Jeff Spec's 'Sneakerboxxx' album. Put this one on and lace it to your ears, and listen proud; a sound that should not and cannot be missed. A real musical man!

4 September 2010


i tried and i tried to get you off my mind but it don't get no better as each day goes by.

I didn't realise how much of an effect someone has on you until you are numb.

I was so numb to everything. and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feelings anything.
I wasn't feeling happy or sad, or excited.
Then i realised, I wasn't feeling happy in comparison to what you made me, sad in comparison to how you made me feel when you left.
Or excited to what you made me all the time.

I wasn't feeling, because I was only feeling the loss of you.

You forget how all the bad stuff went, the reasons you argued, the reasons you feel out.
But the good stuff, the way you made up after the arguments and the lonliness you felt when you fell out.
But the thing about that, there was always the security that you were gonna make up again, get back together and kiss and make up.

I blocked this out so much, and finally letting it out, letting myself feel,makes me realise.

Blocking out is something easy that we do.
We find something that for that moment in time makes us forget, or makes us feel just a tiny bit.

You know what that is.


Tryna forget that you are still in love, still so not over any of that.

So for now, i need to get cut, just for now.. just so my soul remembers what a cut feels like, instead of tryna pass them off as grazes, just embrace them for what they are..hurt and pain.

Then they can heal, keep sticking salt in them by not letting myself feel them doesn't help.

ps. i'm still not over you.

21 August 2010

Give Me Attention, I Need It Now.

All artists of any sort are attention seekers.

Whether you do, fashion, music, art, photography anything.
You are an attention seeker.

It's not a bad thing.
If you are doing well, successful and talented in what you do.
Why not draw attention to yourself and your work.
People who are good at what they do should be attention seekers.

The buzz of showing off your talent and recieving a good reception is like no other.
I mean if certain people didn't love attention they wouldn't be able to walk down the street wearing a certain 'statement' piece of clothing, and have people stare at them without wanting to shrink into a ball and hide right?!

For me, confidence grows from attention.
If nobody paid attention to what you did and never told you you were good at something would you have the confidence to put it out there?!
Nobody is an attention seeker and not confident .. even if they are still humble.

You are an attention seeker for the wrong things.
There are very few people I 'know' who have made it 'big' and now only do it for the 'right' reasons.
If you bring your personal life into your business and let everyone know
over twitter/facebook/anywhere puiblic.
I really can't take you seriously.
The people's music/fashion/talent i respect the most are the ones who act mature and loyal to their art.
Not to bring their 'beef' and get attention from THAT!

The same goes for anything though, not just artistic values.

Even people i know personally on a friend level.
I think..'if you kept your private business private, I could respect you a lot more'.
That's why I don't spread my business. Ask anyone..do you really know me?!
do you really know anyone!?

Cause i guarantee the people you respect most you know the least about OR they trust
you on a mutual level.
When people make their business exclusive to a few people in the 'circle of trust' that's when you can respect them while still knowing their personal business and troubles.
Spread your shit and its like a pair of trainers that everyone has.
too bait.
When everyone has them, they're no longer held highly or valued.
Don't become the local gossip source.

Attention seek for the right reasons and when you have something decent to show off..

otherwise, wait till your time comes..

10 August 2010


When you act upon this, you never know quite whether the choice you have made is the right one, or is even gonna turn out right in the end..
but god damn does it feel good to not think about this stuff.

You know when you just don't care because whatever you are doing is the best feeling
while its happening.
And.. i'm not gonna lie; when you come away from the act of impulse, you probably think..
'yeah maybe i should've thought thought this through'
but by the time you are back in the act,
those thoughts are long gone and you're back to enjoying yourself a ridiculous amount.

I'm not sure whether a get-away is the right word or even explanation for it?!
but its sorta like that.

Music - Music is everything to me.
Literally everything.

If i am in a mood, its usually determined by music.
And as a close friend to me pointed out recently, she has a song to go with mostly every person in her life.
Its true; i actually do.
If you named me one person, whether it be a relative or a lover, an ex lover, a sibling, a friend.
I could name their song.

I love it.

Impulse and music, two things you don't have to think about before you immersed yourself within them.

The thing is impulse can work both ways..
you either act on it and its great, you enjoy yourself and everything works out for the best.
you act on it, everything goes great, then it comes to an end..

either way.. what do we act on impulse for!?
I mean what actually drives us to think, "I'ma jump in with both feet and not give a damn where I'm looking or falling or going into?!"
I mean, do we hold impulse so highly because we thrive off of the feeling of
undeniable enjoyment.
or do we like it because we feel good about ourselves for taking a risk?!

Impulse is selfish.
Cause you don't know who will get hurt or who will benefit from it.

But i guess that it is just one of those thigns that will never truly have an explanation or a reason.

Just .. impulse.

That feeling of standing on the edge of a really really high place and feeling to jump.
Yeah that feeling.
Knowing that if you jump there will be consequences when you hit the bottom,
but you don't care just for the rush of falling.

I wish, a lot more things were acted on because of impulse, a lot more people would then appreciate the enjoyment of life rather than the consequences.
What happened to living in the moment!?
I guess, you can never tell somebody to act on impulse, because what might be an impulse for you, might be routine to them.

As we are all different.
But we've all got a heart.

"Without hearts we would only be machines."

4 August 2010

Everything I'm not, Made Me Everything I Am

*side note: Most of the things i write about are from experience, however they are not always relevant to this time, as i may have already experienced it and only now felt it the right time to write about it. However some thinngs are relevant. Even better some things aren't my experiences, they are things i see in other people's relationships.. by listening and observing i collect more inspiration for anything that i could have gone through personally.

Getting over you is made so much harder by having you there all of the time in every place, just reminding me why i don't wanna get over you.
You're so wrong and I hate you.
There is nothing I like about you anymore; you're not who I fell in love with, yet I'm still in love with you.
And I know, that alone won't let me leave this, and you alone.

I hate talking to you because, when I do, I don't get the reactions and responses that I want.
I want the old you back, who would make a joke out of everything and who would listen to what i have to say before dismissing it, then telling your story. Now I don't even get a chance.
Or maybe, anything I say isn't significant enough to matter to you.

I hate how you tell me you'll be there; when really you aren't and won't be. We always promised we wouldn't say things we couldn't pull through with. Promised that we'd be honest. So never say something you can't do or don't mean. You do! You won't come and see me and you wont be there when you're the only one i can talk to about how i am feeling. You will let me down and you won't be there. I want you back where i could see you all the time.. no qualms.

The worst thing. The way that all of this happened and i still listen to all of your problems, help you, talk to you. I am ALWAYS there for you, and I watch you run around with everyone else.. absolutely fine. And I am so jealous. But not of them. I am jealous that you would be able to act fine and be you for them, But not for me the person who did it all and gave it all up for you. And after all of this I'm still irrevocably in love with you.

And that's why I put up with it. That's why everytime you push me away i pull back ten times harder. Thats why everytime you say you aren't worth it, i get the tug in my chest that says you are. THAT'S WHY everytime you say you wont be able to make it or you dont turn up; i say okay maybe next time. THAT'S WHY everytime i talk to you and we end up in an argument... i dont mind because i am atleast talking to you?!

And i hate you most because you made me hate myself; i hate you because i love you..
but i hate you mostly because i know i am worth more than your shit.
Worth more than your attitude towards me.
Worth more than your lies.
And the only reason i keep coming back is love?!

screw love

How can we ever go back to how we were if you cant even be my.. friend?!
How can you even contemplate any future when you aren't seeing that you're ruining me from the inside out.
Are you seeing the future as after all of this happening, or as a memory.
everything we were in the future!?
I've done it.
but really think, change something or i will realise that love isnt enough and all that will be left is the hate for everything you became to me.

i cant even say i love you anymore.
and its not because its not true.
its because everytime i let you know that, i become more vulnerable to the idea that i'm worth only what youre giving me.

when i fell in love with you i was willing to give up everything.

I'm fully fledged in love with the idea of love.
Shame that time is running out and losing us will be the biggest regret of yours.

24 July 2010

The Neighbours Know My Name..

Is it possible to have just a physical attraction to someone?!

Because however sex/attraction is viewed now, there is too much of a personal thing for it not to be ... more!?

Casual relationships, sex buddies, no labels. Where did tradition go/! Casual relationships never work.. FACT
Its not even that one person gets to attached or feelings get caught up. Its because there is no trust. Ho can you ever trust someone who is willing to drop you at any time?! You are constantly on edge. And scarier than that; you have the power to do the same thing.
I've said this before, fucking someone over hurts more than being fucked over. So when does a casual relationship become not casual, or not a relationship?!
To be able to trust someone with not only your physical being but your emotions doesn't ever happened 'casually'
Sex isn't non personal..
You're letting someone see you stripped naked, literally and metaphorically. That is you at your most vulnerable, so how can you ever casually become so.. naked?!
I think people are always free to do whatever they like with their lives, bodies, money, friends and lovers; but never foregt that once you become vunerable, you become manipulated. A piece of play dough in their hand.
So when you cry because you feel used or taken afdvantage of, its because you neglected that piece of yourself when you causually gave it away to whoever.
Nothing abotu love, or sex is 'casual', not matter how casual you try to play it ot even end up keepign it liek that.
It just .. don't forget your wort, dont think you have to be casual if you want to have fun, or get out.

So when they 'neighbours know your name' , its being called by the same person who isn't neglecting your naked stripped vulnerability.

know your worth.

18 July 2010

I Learnt A Lesson From It Though, You Never Get To See It Coming You Just Get To See It Go.

I really did learn a lesson.
All the things I should have said when I saw it coming, and saw it slipping, but i know its too late now i've seen it go.
Cause its not about knowing what you had when you lose it.

You know what you have, the reason it stings so much when you lose it, is because you know you shouldn't have lost it.
The pain of losing something is nothing compared to remembering what it was.

"Do you ever find yourself forgetting why you like someone!?"

I think that me and you should get out and be something someone, be us.
I feel like we've settled into this routine, and i can't help but dislike it. I just need to remember why I fell for you in the first place.

Well the thing is I know.
The fact that I can spend whole days with you and not get bored..
You always make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world..
I don't have to put on a show..
I can just laugh all day..

I just need that feeling back again cause i know everythings there to make it work, i just need the spark!.. I guess that would be found at the beginning.. so lets find it?!
But if we're not excited anymore.. I don't wanna lose it.

I think we just forgot about it right?!

Feelings change, people get hurt.
But I'd rather see you happy without me,
then bored and stuck in love with me.

Because when you don't feel like i'm the only person you want to talk to,
or the only one you want to see, it's alright..
but I know I won't be able to stand being around you when I can't make you have that feeling anymore.

So let's not forget why we both fell in the first place!?

""One day you will realise that you don't love me anymore and that I pushed you away with my own stupidity. I'm trying to stop that from happening but its battling with my other side that wants to tell you everything. IS ignorance really bliss!?"

I really don't know whether to let go or hold on.
I like hurting.
It reminds me that what we had meant something.

the thing about being a person that puts your all into everything.
You lose it ALL when its gone.

29 June 2010

I'm Letting In A Draft.

Okay so let me explain:

Basically, I like to blog,
I think you caught that drift.
So when I feel something that i know i could just write and write about.. i will!
However, sometimes, I feel so much and I have so much to say that in my head i'm just not balanced enough to go with a good flow.
'So I create drafts.'
I say 'create' but its more, thoughts that can't be preceded.
Thoughts that are too honest or hurtful.

But we all know.
We move on, we find perspective, we heal.

So I've decided, I'm tired of going into my blog and seeing my drafts of past feelings and emotions.
So i'm letting it go.

This will be a long blog of letting go.
Think of it what you will.
You may not care, but you may find interest.
I sincerely hope you take something away from it.
I know even though unfinished.. I did.

And last, i do not mean to damage or hurt anybody's feelings with what I feel.
I genuinely write the truth.

Lets call this.. the end of a blogging era, but the beginning of a new unphased one.

Draft 1: So Screwed Up.

Oh god help me.

If things were simple in my life, I would seriously give a homeless person a fiver everyday.


Draft 2:Sit Back Relax And Enjoy The Ride.

These are the words I say to myself when I realise I have lost control.

And sometimes these are the best times.
When if something cocks up, its not my fault, and if something is the best, i enjoy that and don't have to worry about maintaining that level.

Well, when you do it, you appreciate it right?!


Draft 3:One Day I'll Have You Tattooed On Me

And if you make it to that, then you know that you are pretty much stuck with me forever.


Draft 4:Lets Just Say..

That wasn't an option.


Draft 5:Alice...

Things are bad again.

Everything's gone.

The absence of him is everywhere I look.

But I wish I could tell you about...

He makes me feel better.
When I'm with him its like the hole in my chest is healed.

He makes me feel alive.


Draft 6:The Thing Is..


I clocked that I'm exactly the same situation that I was in before.

I said, ahh i learnt from that, won't do that again.

Pshh, nice one Parris.

Everybody gets separated at some point.
Even when you vow to stay together for the rest of your life, you have to be separated at some point. An illness, or a job, a trip, moving house... anything.

Its the CHOICE to stay together through that, that shows the connection between two people.
I say choice, because we all know those people that just stay together because they feel like it, because they don't want to hurt someone.

I don't know how to be in a relationship, i don't think anyone does?!
Yeah okay, we've all heard the lines and tactics to getting a girl/boy but keeping them.


Draft 7:I don't know the meaning of the word..

Can 'love' really explain that much.

Why're you with him?! love.
why're you putting up with this?! love.
why're you waiting around for him!? love.

heard it all before.

BUT it really does explain EVERYTHING.
Just think, if you can't think of anything but to be with that person, why should you be away from them?!
why should you have to hurt or mind when you text them or offer to do something?!
because if you love them these things shouldn't matter.


Draft 8:You are my inspiration..

When it all comes down to it,
all we need in life is inspiration.

A little bit of that, a little bit of spirit and we're set to go.

So if someone's your inspiration.


Draft 9: Poetic license.

I don't know whether this is good or bad?!
I guess only one person will be able to tell me.
But tbh, i'ma writer not a poet.

In my head, it makes sense, that's all you need to know.

'But there is no comparison to loving you.
They say to taste you is part of to love you.
And to touch you or smell you would be all part of loving you,
yet none of these things compare to the feeling of actually loving you.
To having you, to wanting you.
To watching you watch, as I watch you, watch me.
And to stand and hold you as we hug and lean.
I hate you so much for the intense, insane, love that burns from the very core of my being to the tiny pores of my skin.

I ooze love for you. I be for love. I am for love.
Love for you, love for me, love for us.
And yet as we are two.
I've never felt so much as one as a two.

The smell of your skin is the very oxygen to my flowers of love and your very kisses are like the teeny tiny drops of water on their fragile leaves.
And the innocence and purity of this is one that will never deceive.
Because the day I fall out of love with you will live long past the day that my earth stands still. The day my thoughts diminish along with the life in my heart and the blood in my veins.
But just know my love won't ever be competed with another,
as to love you is as is easy as breathing.'

so i love you.


so there, i've let go.

feels good right.

yep me too.


25 June 2010


We all try and avoid them, but when it comes down to it, people find comfort in them.

I thought it was just me that was actually terrified of labeling something.

Apparently not.
I'm not the only one, that finds there doesn't need to be a label on something for it to be
understood, loved or accepted.

we label things, people, groups, feelings and much more.

We don't like a person because they get labelled as the 'uncool kid',
or we fall into a relationship where we're 'boyfriend & girlfriend' and we know its way to early for this sorta stuff.

But we're pressured.

Yeah happens everday.
Get used to it?!

Or just don't do it?!

don't label it, just...go with it.

i think i prefer it that way.

As long as you know where you stand in your life with your situation.

you'll be fine!

and don't forget, it's alright to be vulnerable sometimes..

too many people trying to front like they're okay ALL OF THE TIME.

I should know.

Vulnerability isn't weakness, if anything it shows you're strong enough to let someone else help you feel.

So, this is just to let you know..

it's alright kid!

6 June 2010

I Think..

a lot.
About me, about you, about life, about consequences, and reasons, about 'why's' and 'but's', about relationships and family.

I try and make sense of it, by writing it down, or having mental conversations.. with myself!?

But none of it helps.
So I just ride the wave.

My problem is that I grew up too fast.

Not in a bad way.
I just mean, I kinda skipped the immature 12 year old stuff, that you hit when you're like 14.

So I hit this age faster than most of my friends.

I still have elements of that jealous little 12 year old, but they're rarely shown.

It takes a lot to make me upset. So if i'm upset you know i've taken a lot.

In recent past times I was upset.
No not upset.
I was hurt.
The fact that somebody could go back on their word to the extent of damaging someone's feelings, and not care.

I contemplated 'cacooning'
a process in which I would hide for a while to collect myself then reappear, a different better person.

I've done it before, it works.
But it's almost like running away.
I hate people that run away.

"That's what I'm doing. No hiding, or going away. Just cacooning. I feel I need it. So I guess other people would say that, 'there's a light at the end of the tunnel' or 'you'll get through it' But if I do then surely I'll be the same person, in the same situation, I just would have gone through a lot of hurt to get to the point where i'm alright again!? Nahh, I'll change thanks. So that's why i'm wrapping myself in my cacoon. Then nobody can touch me till I'm emerged. I guess its that phase.. you know the one i talked about before.. where i'm losing myself. you remember.. taking up hedonism!? yeah that one. I wish writing a poem or a song helped in situations like this, but its actually fairytale stuff. If I wrote a poem i'm sure i'd be judged :("

That was my frame of mind.

Tragic right?!

So then I got saved.

No knight in shining armour.

Just a friend.
Just a different perspctive.
Just a person.
Just my hero.

oh and Jason Derulo's album.

So as i'm back on track..

I've kinda succumbed to the idea of

'it is what it is'

I either, stand and face it or cacoon.

So right now, i think i can brave it.

So basically this is just a thankyou.

'Nothing is a problem till you see it as a problem'

i'd give it all up baby, trade in the world to show i'm falling..

19 May 2010

The World And All It's Swagger..

''is my oyster, so lets eat it and get freaky.''

I think what happened,
I lost my concept of time.

I was really rushing, thinking about what I was gonna do when things left me, or I no longer had them in my possession.

With Exams and the mental drive thats been pushed into me by teachers
'you have no time before exams'

Didn't exactly help did it?!

People have to understand that to do something great, you have to be great!

If you are an average joe, your only going to do average joe things.

If you are great gale, you will do great gale things!

So now I think I'm back on track.

I woke up this morning and thought


and that's what its about.

I will try and advise people on what to do and where to go, and sometimes
I just need to take my own advice.

We are our own enemies.

Anyone else who is an enemy is a wasteful time and energy source.

Why would you try to impress and better a person that isn't yourself?!

I don't know, thats an 'image thing'
straight up.

So currently i'm feeling a lot of amniosity in the camp.

uh oh.
I done a Parris.



I'm me, you know that, I know that.

So for years I go on the struggle..
no not struggle, wrong word.. erm Quest?!
Of finding myself.
Everyone does.

And the people you meet along the way help that.
Whether they hurt you, help you.

They all go towards it.

They all add up to make the circuit of energy.
remember that one?!

And if you get into a bad circuit.
You fall off to join a new circuit.


I have my own thing, I do my own thing.

Why would someone want to cop that?!

swagger jacker

There are so many people that say 'this is my swagger', 'my swagger goes hard'

Yeah it might go hard, but its doing it with ten million other bait black boys, who wear their trousers to low, and 'MC'
ten million other bait light-skin girls, who show to much flesh on facebook and claim to be 'models'

We grew up in the same city?! how has the outcome been this?!

We've all seen it.
lets not beat around the bush.

So I try to do my own thing.
not with what I wear, but with what I think, how i approach things.

now if someone started to copy that I would be pissed right.

Don't even go there.

single white female anyone?!

So yeah I just don't get it.. you're you, i'm me.

thing is,
I do me, you do me, problem is, you don't do it very well at all.

Now this ISN'T a vein thing at all.
If you aren't proud of you, and who what you are then I can't help you.

It's hypocritical to chat about individuality when you are only feeding off what I am creating.

They say imitation is the biggest form of flattery.
It might be but it pisses me off.

I've always been me, and the only reason i've never been anything else, is cause I only know how to do me.

Be yourself, that is all i am trying to say.

Feel how you feel.
Speak how you speak.
Dress how you dress.

I know you've all been there, its either a close friend, or a hater.
Maybe even a little brother or sister.

But they slyly start to copy you.


Be you.
I can't understand the mentality behind wanting to be someone else, its a lot of effort for something that you will never do well because you are you.

get me!?

What i'm tryna say is,
don't conform.

Conformity is invisibility.
How do you expect to get noticed when you are the double, slightly worse version of someone else.


The thing is I can't be angry at these people either, i pity them

Obviously they haven't had the support to find themselves enough.

The one person I can't imagine losing is me.

Without me, I'd die.

10 May 2010


I'm so confused right now.

I know what I want.
I just don't know how to get it.
usual symptoms of confusion.

I don't understand how I got put in this situation, when I was the one who got hurt in the first place.

'don't overthink things'

i don't overthink anything, I know the situation sonny boy.
I would just rather get it all out in one go then do little iddy bits of explanation.
i feel things.
And i still feel that achey feeling in my chest.

But now I know every time I see something, I have to hold on and savour it because I don't know when I will get the next bit.
After the achey feeling, i never get the weird rush anymore.
I get the slow drone of my head catching up with what my chest is feeling.

of every situation.

This is cheesey, overrated and overused,

but you are actually like a drug.

But then I realise, all of this energy that i'm wasting trying not to feel like this.

It's not you particularly I want.
It's not you that I miss insanely.
It's not you that my body is emptily aching for.

well thats what i'm trying to convince myself.

Its the feeling of being wanted.
Not an attention thing.

An energy thing.

The amount of energy that I had when I wasn't worrying about all the things that you didn't say.
The amount of energy that by just talking to you would fill me with.

Its insane, because we all know what energy is.

'The food that preserves in your body is then reacted with ATP which then reacts with the enzymes in the muscles that create, ATP-PC (phosphate creatine) which then fuels your muscles for demanding exercise.'

obviously we all knew that.
and yes that was my own explanation.

and its ridiculous to even try and justify that by being with someone, the ATP in your body would be released..actually its unfathomable for me to even think that.

I might be slightly gassed on avatar.
don't judge me.

But everybody has an energy flow.

Now my family are catholic and i was born and raised a catholic,
however I believe religion is a personal thing, that shouldn't have to be celebrated through a man in a church and a bunch of hypocrites.

So I've sort of started my own search in religion.
I studied Judaism, and seriously considered joining the faith, as I understood it and it spoke to me on a different level however the strictness of it was to restricting for me once again.

I them went on to study and take part in a Jehovahs witness 'meeting'

that was interesting.

a good insight.

however its still not for me.

Then when i finally came to terms with the death of my grandpa.
I realised I could cope with stuff by myself by mentally balancing the vibes around me.
It sounds very commercial and 'ohh i've found jesus'

but this all relates back to me believing in spirituality rather than a religion religion.
get me?!

So yeah everyone has connections and that's how people survive, because they make connections.
Whether with people they just bump into on the train for a journey or a person they have known all of their lives.

the connections and energy flow is what make people feel so strongly about eachother.

Its a system.

No not system, i don't like those.

It's like a circuit.
yeah thats it a circuit and if it gets broken, it only works on one side.

And then nothing gets anywhere.

Everything is within us.

thats what i'm trying to say.

So this wasn't meant to be a religious post.

But do you understand why I am energyless.
I have been disconnected from a connection that was potentially strong.

But aside from that spiritual stuff.
I wanna punch your face in, you spineless ass :)

oh safe.

bit harsh.
cause actually i really like you,
but please get a grip and realise what you're missing out on.
don't reel me in then throw me back.

big headed?!

more than likely.

I'm so glad i learnt to deal with rejection a very long time ago, and i know have a real perspective of what is important.

4 May 2010

The System

I remember on an advert once, they said.

'We know you don't want to beat the system, you just want it to work'

I'm sure the advert was for loans or something adult.

But the more I think about this, the more wrong it is.

I don't want the system.
The system means no leeway.
The system means routine.
What is the system!?
Well there's a system to everything right?!



School: primary, secondary, sixth form, uni.
Work: employee, employer, manager, boss.
Life: born, grow, live, die.
Relationships: meet, court, kiss, marry.
Eating: Starter, Mains, Desert, Coffee.

See!? now, some of those systems you want to work obviously.
You couldn't go sixth form without having gone to secondary.

But some are stupid.Like mind bogglingly stupid.

Why in life do you have to grow before you can live.
I'm not grown.
I am living.
And if you think that I'm stuck in sixth form, and going out on a friday night is living for me,
you're wrong.
I live.

I live because I don't shy away from feelings, I feel and embrace it.
I live because if I'm going to do anything I do it with the biggest amount of passion i can squeeze out of my little body.
I live because I am ALIVE.

And then there's eating.

we'll leave the relationship till last.

Why have your desert last!?
because its the best part of the meal and you have to wait for it.

Okay 'remember me moment'

IF a comet came and hit the restaurant or place where you were eating, before you ate your desert then you would have been deprived of the best part of the meal.

Are you going to deprive me of my last happy moments?!

OF course the chances of that happening are about as slim as lindsay lohan on the atkins diet, but do you understand!?

Why chance not being happy or waiting for something when you can have it right now and savour it.

It makes perfect sense.


Why do you have to go by the system?!

because society says so.
Well society can suck my left ball.

Fuck society.

They fucked me over a long time ago, when they said i would never fit in.
Never do well.

Why does the boy have to ask the girl out!?
Why does the girl have to be sexy!?

So many questions, to answers we already know just choose to ignore.

lets go back to the start.
no cheryl cole.

I don't know whether its boys in my area, or just boys I know.
And yes I am generalising here, but not on all boys, only the ones I know.

So they like the girl.
They tell the girl they like the girl.
Then they proceed to act liek they don't like the girl?!

mistake one.

They want to take the girl out.
So they take her out a few times.
Then they claim that they're spending too much time together.
No more taking out.

mistake two.

They want to kiss the girl.
So they kiss the girl.
They then don't kiss you any more because you're in public.
No more kissing..


Do you get this!?

Number one.
girls don't want to play games.

If you like her you like her, don't change your mind because you think she'll chase you.
If you are taking her out, inviting her round.

WTF is she going to think when you stop!?
Oh okay then, a few tears, a few nice phone calls, jokes about not seeing eachother.

Nah mate, she's serious.

Why stop spending time with her to portray an image.
If you like spending time with her, i'm sure she likes it too otherwise she wouldn't be there.
Quetions can be answered but feelings cant stay hidden forever.

now PDA's
not the biggest fan in the world.


you cannot ignore her because there are people around.
i've seen this happen way to many times.

'whats wrong with ...' 'oh nothing he just doesn't like talking to me around his friends'



So whether you are a girl or a boy.

wake the fuck up.

I'm so pissed off by people playing games.
and once again it all boils down to honesty and feelings.

How honest are you gonna be when it comes to them.
is this just about being yourself!?
cause i've heard that way too many times.
but maybe i'm just too like myself, thats why i don't see the sense in changing for anyone.

Cause to me it makes no sense to waste time.
It makes no sense to want for something and depriving yourself for an image.

If you don't like me tell me.
Its easier to let go when you know you have no chance.

wouldn't you agree?!

But all the time I think I can still hold on,
I will keep trying.

And NEVER ever say you do when you don't

you will hurt somebody and its more yourself than anyone.
Carry the guilt that you fucked somebody over, and it hurts more than getting fucked over.
Been there done that got the scars to prove it.

*angry session over*

i'm sure i'll be back later with a blog, where i'm as happy as beans

but for now.

if you don't follow the system theres no need to beat it.

Waiting ParrisOH?!

2 May 2010

Help, Missing.

So I'm thinking about getting a new piercing.
Not sure what, majorly leaning towards septum.

i'd marry him

It will be a change to my face,
but like i said,
its my face.

So I was skipping through old pictures.

I miss my old face.

moment of silence

You know, the one with no piercings, stretching's.
The one that used to be a little bit chubby and wasn't so well groomed?!

I (as well as the rest of the female population my age) have become obsessed with looking after myself.

But then again what else do we have to do with our free time?!

Read books and watch films.

Have fun?!

I used to have fun, I still do!

don't watch this as a depressing trip down memory lane, more a reflective look back.
It was so easy being around people that didn't care what you looked like, and you feel no pressure to always look your best.
basically it was easy being 12.

i miss that.

Now this isn't a self-evaluation of any sort.
In fact, the pressure to look good comes from more myself than anyone else.
As i'm sure it does with most people.

If you walk outside feeling gross.
someone tells you, you look nice,
but you still feel gross.
that's you not them.

But missing-ness
*yes i made up that word, along with a lot of the rest of my vocabulary*

It hurts.
If we didn't have the capacity to miss someone or something then i reckon life would pass by a lot faster, but a lot easier.

Honestly, how much time do you spend missing someone.
Whether you like it or not.

Every time you smell that familiar smell.
Every time you say their name.

you miss them.

then whether you like it or not,
you spend further time trying not to think about stuff that would make you miss them.

missing-ness is a bitch right.

But the thing is, most things get better with time.

Regret, pain, cuts, bruises, insanity!?

But missing-ness doesn't.

You simply learn to live with it.

You now spend every second of your day either thinking about them, or thinking about how to not think about them

confused yet!?
then as time goes on you forget to remember all the bad times, and what made you have to leave that person to miss them in the first place.
That's when it gets worse.

and it's no longer a sharp pain in your chest and a a quick prick of the tear ducts.
Its a long slow, painful ache.

And i'm sorry babe, but you're not letting go of this feeling that quick.

The worst is missing someone because you don't know anything else.
Sometimes you can reminisce.
But when you know nothing else but to miss this person when you're not with them,
that's when your pretty much screwed to the rest of the world.

So they don't know you miss them, and you can't tell them, because then that's just as bad,
and you risk the thought of 'oh my god stalker..run' quickly flickering through their head.
or even worse.

'They're not who i first thought they were'
that one right there is a killer.

So yeah back to the point.

You miss them because you crave the urge to be with them, surrounded by them and immersed in them.

That's when it hurts, because there is no logical reason for it apart from love.
Not that love silly.

love of being around them, love of feeling loved.

And at the end of the day thats all humans crave.

Love: the feeling of needing to be wanted.

So if you want to hug me
(i'm hoping for lots of applications here)
apply wherever, whenever.

IF we don't miss, we don't appreciate what we have when its there.

Sometimes, i miss so much i forget to say.

it feels kinda natural now.

To constantly want for the moments that relieve me from the missing-ness.

so while sitting here, fighting the urge to cry, the lump in my throat, the need to call him, and the urge to slam my head into the keyboard for falling in the first place, i feel to tell you this.

I don't write these blogs for your entertainment.
I don't write them as indirect explanations of my feelings, or anyway to let someone know something.
I'm not bait and i'm not sly,
but i'm not naive and i'm not shy
no rhyming intended there

I pretty much write whats in my head and heart
(dont laugh for that cheese)

It helps me, not you.
Because whatever I say on here, I can pretty much tell whoever what it is about.

This isn't a secret, or any forbidden information not to be talked about.
This is for me to try and get a reasonable explanation so that maybe someone will go.
'i get that'

Basically this is my only chance of sitting down with myself and being real.
I don't think people appreciate real-ness
(have you realised my love for putting 'ness' at the end of words and claiming them as my own?!) as much as they should.
They just sorta refuse.

Someone claims they're real, and people say no they're rude.

Just take me for me.
I ain't gonna hide or shy away from natural feelings right.
Thats too many peoples problem.
If they admitted to themselves how they feel and had the confidence and respect to speech that, then feelings wouldn't be such a taboo subject between people.

So yeah, i like someone.
yeah i want him
yeah i miss him.

Yeah i miss the other person.
yes you should tell him/her how you feel
yes you shouldn't use excuses as a reason for not.
yes you can talk to me if you're confused.

i'm there too, but
i'm not afraid of my feelings are you!?