20 December 2009

And it's obvious now.

'And i can truthfully say my perspectives changed.
It's clear that life and death live on the same page'

Wow! now really.
I should be hung, okay maybe not hung but hurt severely for my lack of blogging for the past few weeks..or is it months!?

I know I have neglected you, but please take me back.
I have good reason... let me tell you.

Well so much has changed, I know I regularly say that then forget three quarters of what I do then seem like that was a whole lie, but i promise, i have been busy!

SO i guess since my last blog i got back in touch with life..No hedonism involved, which i am not going to lie was maybe slightly disappointed at!

But otherwise my life is on track..

Well i know i said i was busy and i have been.

I've got a new phone!

HIP HOORAY for the iphone

Yeah this has practically saved my social life!

Yet the one major change that has come about my life hasn't got anything to do with what i have gained materialistically or wealth wise.

Its what has effected other people.

Pretty much like a domino effect.

'When the first domino is push the other are going to fall inevitably no matter how strong they are standing'


Due to a recent death, my perspective has changed so much..

Life isn't too short.
You don't need to rush your life in the prospect of dying young and wasting your life.

You need to live fully.
Don't rush anything!
Embrace the fact that life and death live too close to each other for you to avoid the inevitable.

Its not about what other people think, its about you!

If you sat inside since the day you were born and did nothing,
but enjoyed yourself very single second of it.
Then drop dead a young age

You haven't wasted it.
You enjoyed it.
To you
you lived.

It comes down to perspective.

Never judge a person as they have the right to judge you back.

See me.
(and i know I'm not saying live by my rules ..again)

but me, I believe living is a concept that is fully in your head.

You make every oppurtunity.

No, every oppurtunity is out there, every oppurtuinity is possible and waiting to be taken.
But its up to you whether you take it.

Now I don't wanna go all doctor Phil on you guys, but come on!

Nobody is ever to yougn to die, its inevitable, we're all going some day.

But remember whatever your age, your never too old to live either.

you wanna bunjee jump at sixty eight ..go for it!

wanna set up your own business at ninety four..go for it!

its your oppurtunities, your perspective your life.

feel it.
breathe it.
live it.

When you lose someone, agreed, apart of your lfie has been stolen.
But not unrightfully, simply not to your liking.

They had lived their life to the fullest they could, and simply had no more drive.

they still love you.
they still care for you.

They just cant be with you.

Wow well that hasnt been deep has it.

But you know me.

Always pulls a corker.
in the least sexual sense!

But seriously guys.

You gotta love life.

a complete bitch.

If life was personified.
She'd be a dominatrix.

and yes.. a 'she'

She would do all the stuff you know that hurts you.
All the stuff that you know you shouldnt enjoy but you do.
All the stuff thats gonna seem like it'll change your life forever while its happening
but really.....its just temporary, and you'll soon get over it.

And she'd be a 'she' because well she grabs every man by the balls squeezes as hard as she can till she gets her own way.

pretty much.

So 2010.

no wait.


haha you thought i forgot didn't you!?


Yeah so as the usual ethnic minority family in britain, we've stocked up the fridge good and proper.

So we ent get no hungry chile cause all de belly full.


300 pounds worth of food shopping, and we're still not done.


I love it though, we literally eat ourselves to death.
Sit around doing NOUT!
Watch too many films on tv
(gotta love bbc)
and drink away our sorrows.

Whoever invented christmas was a genius.
and quite obviously british.

what other nation would invent a holiday where we sit and fester in our own morbid obesity?!

Well maybe americans too?

But i say invented christmas like i'm not religious.

And yeah I am.
find me a caribbean that ain't!

Yeah i believe in jesus and god .. blah blah
but not christmas.

Its commerecialised and materialistic..basically.

if your a real catholic your supposed to believe god ad jesus have no end and no beginning?
so how the hell is christmas jesus' brith?


I'll probably get hate mail after this right?

but i dont write this for you to agree with everything.
i write this because...i can.

So christmas..

buy me presents, get me fat on food, get me drunk.
dont tell me this is jesus' birthday.

its a holiday for catholics not to worry about religion for a few days alie.


But anyways i'm really feeeling the christmas spirit.

good will to all men and that, yeah i get it.

and yes i do have back 'christams feeling'
after two years of it going AWOL its back.

has that happened for anybody else?

so 2010.


I guess i wanna fester for a couple weeks before my plan goes into action.

But i promise that i will keep you much more updated.

and tell a friend to tell a friend about my blog.


i'll love you forever.


15 November 2009


I think that I need to get away.

Not because of anyone, or anything, just I feel I've taken enough...
I'm not sure, how to put it, but i need to get back in touch with

I need to lose myself in life, have fun.
Maybe take up hedonism for a while?!

Or maybe not?


Hedonism is a funny concept.


-the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good.

-devotion to pleasure as a way of life: The later Roman emperors were notorious for their hedonism.

Pleasure as a way of life.

In some ways this seems ideal, but then again, I might lose my touch with reality.
And Hedonism mainly revolves around massive orgy's.
Yeah not really my thing.

but anyways.

I can't wait for 2010.

I'm going to have a whole new focus.

The action will kick in.

I'll have a plan.
I have a plan!

I think every now and then i lose myself.

Just for a while, but something detaches me from reality.

And once again i'm lost in a balance of the time continuum where life meets death and the past and the future run parallel to each other.

Not so easy to get your head around!?

Yeha me either.

But the end of this year will be me wrapping this chapter of my life up.

I'm 17 now.

should i be more grown up?

'i'm a big kid like benjamin button'

I guess i can never do that.

But I'll be more focused.

Sure, life's not easy, that's why its so fun.

So from me to you.


my year.

10 November 2009


So here's the dream.


That's basically it.

Bigger is better.

Unless its your cell mate.

So I'm thinking, I've finally come to a solid decision on what i would like to do with my life.
It's taken a while, and i basically always wanted to do this, just I couldn't express it.
Now I can.

Create art for people.
Art that's personal, has meaning and is exquisitely beautiful in my eyes.
Art that shows the story of their life.
Art that never leaves them

I want to be a tattoo artist.

And no this isn't a fad.
It isn't a 'cool' thing to do.

I'm passionate about this.

And that rarely happens.

What is more beautiful than being able to share your life through pictures.

Isn't that what life's about now?!

We have computers.

We have digital photos.

We have facebook.

What happens when these fade, crash or are no longer the 'cool' thing to be on.

Just like Myspace, adopting foreign kids and Don kings hairstyle?

They'll be lost.

So why not keep it with you, in something that will never fade, or be lost.

I'd like to bring this joy to people, and the generations to come.

I'd like to paint someones imagination on their body.

I'd like to give someone the oppurtunity, nobody ever gave me.

So don't come to me and tell me your going to be a model.
Don't come to me and tell me your going to be a musician.
Don't come to me and tell me your going to be an actor.

Unless you
really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really
know that you are set on this.

Even if you don't end up doing it.

Be passionate about it for the moment.
Know that its what you want to do now.
And push your hardest for it.

Whatever it may be.
Don't let anyone tell you that you are wasting another talent.

Because your talent will be your determination.

My City

I love it. You do to.

if there's one thing that brings you a thrill every time you are to step outside and breathe in the muggy air that fills your lungs and makes you choke.

Walk down the street and walk past a person that's wearing a business suit.
Then past a person that is covered in tattoos.
Then past a person that is riding a bike.
Then past a person that's driving a range rover.

Look at the skyline and make you smile.

Can't see the bottom of the street for all the peopel busy with there day to day business.

It's the city.

But not just any city.

My city.


that's one thing that makes me.

Where I'm from.

So in life, I guess we start out with so many options.

What career?
What family?
Who we marry?
Who we hate?
Where we live?

But we end up havign to chose only 1 of each.

But what happens if I want more than one?
I don't want to chop down my options.

Can't I have everything?

My mommy said I could be whoever and whatever I wanted to be.
So why do I have to choose?
and so early.

I've not decided what i want to be or even who.

But all i know is that i want to be as great as my city.

I want to make someone feel that thrill.

I want to make someone proud of who I am.


4 November 2009


'Expect nothing so you can never be disappointed'


Sometimes I cannot stress this enough.

I didn't realise how much a role model influenced your life;
in both a positive and negative way.
I've outdone the role models that I look up to the most.
Then I realise that I couldn't have looked up to them that much.

I can't name one thing that will stay with me forever,
or that they gave me, or name one thing they did, that I wish was me.

When you have no role mode, you start to falter, it might be ever so slightly, but we all do.

We start to believe all of the doubts inside ourselves.

Then we fight agaisnt them for a while.

Then we believe again.

It's liek a surfer.

Swim out.
Catch a wave.
Rebelling against the nature.
Wave engulfs you.

I lost my strength to fight for a while.

How do you look up to someone that doesn't look up to themselves?

4 Rules to being soembody's role model;

1. Love you
2. Love what you do
3. Love them
4.No matter how hard it is, project only positive light and love onto them.

At the end of the day, you're the standard setter for that person.

Pressure. HA! doesn't even come into it.

Pressure is something that we live with.

Pressure is what drives me.

But as for my role models.

My role models are you.

If anyone shows me right and wrong in each day.
It's you.

You make me laugh without trying.

When you cry I cry with you.

When you love i love with you.

When you succeed I succeed with you.

Together we cannot fail.
So thankyou.

This is my family, as unconventional as we are, we work better than any other 2.4 children family.!

30 October 2009

As I'm in a blogging mood..

Go see this.
Wherever you are in the world.
If you don't see this your life is incomplete.

It was seriously one of the best films i've ever seen.
And BARE people are going to be saying the usual...

'it was thrown together'
'its disrespectful'
'its fixed'

I say it's genius.
Are you gonna be starting something?

If God gave this earth one thing to be proud of.. it would be Michael Jackson.

1958 - Forever

love lives forever

29 October 2009

And Here We Go Again...

I need to Blog.

It's no longer a want, its a necessity.

I guess, when you were little did you ever think your life would pan out like it has now?
Did you ever think that you would meet people and encounter things that would make you who you are today?
I couldn't of predicted what I was going to be like now..



Well whatever I was/am/going, to be destined, it'll be exciting getting there.


Do they exist or are they words made up to explain, unexplainable feelings.

*must text boyf*

I suppose this whole writing lark doesn't really go to much use for anyone?!
Does it?

I'm not extraordinarily good at making you think deeply into your lives like @PsykoUk.

yeah this isn't twitter and what!?

But I just sort of, write down my life/feelings, in a non 'feel sorry for me' sort of way, and hope that you like it.
If you don't, has it changed my life?
Has it made me upset?
Has it changed my view of myself.

a little.


I love life at the moment.
You know that feeling of absolute euphoria, where you literally combust from the inside out?

Okay well maybe not combust.
slight exaggeration
But near enough, that feeling.

Well back to sq. 1
When I was little...

I would have never imagined me like this.
I would have imagined me, like erm.
I'm not sure lets imagine me, imagining myself, how i imagined myself 10 years ago.

keep up clever cloggs!

A lot taller, maybe atleast 4 inches taller.
(i thought you reached full height at 12 :/)
Still in uniform.
(I didn't know year 11 existed let alone sixth form and no uniform)
Straight hair
(I hated my afro as a younger)
The popular girl
(a common girlhood fantasy)
Boyfriended by 'Mr.Hot'
(another common girlhood fantasy, yet mien was quite specific; had to be footballer, rapper, member of boyzone...wide choice really)

So that was the 'main' list.

I'm quite happy how I have turned out.
Who's that down to?


or just good choices simply made by me, in day to day scenarios?

I'd liek to think it was me and my quick witted, spellbinding charming ways that have influenced my life, and made me who/what I am today.

But I guess soem of it is down to our parents!
Or is it Destiny?

Does anybody actually know what Destiny is?


1. something that is to happen or has happened to a particular person or thing; lot or fortune.

2. the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.

3. the power or agency that determines the course of events.

So basically, its a mix of fortune, a dash of written destiny and a tiny splash of fate.

Not too much to ask for...


Well, this has been my brain splashed out onto blogspot.com
at 01.09

Sleep deprived?
The doctor would say that

Conciousness deprived?
I would say that, somebody make more hours for the day?!



27 October 2009

You and me , is all my head dreams of.

If they say love is illogical, irresponsible and unexplainable, 'they' were right.

If I could put into realistic words. the way I felt, your minds would be blown.
But as I can't think of these mind-blowing words or anything even to resemble them.
So I'ma go with what's coming into my mind.

Don't watch this if it is more verbal diarrhea, than a well structured sentence.

To put this into a list would be best.
I can work with lists, they make perfect sense, while stating everything you want.

So here goes...

Every time, you hold my hand or kiss me, I literally do back flips inside. Every touch I want to just stay there forever. There is nothing more than just standing there while you're being hugged, by arms that feel they could protect you from anything. There is nothing that can explain the feeling of pull that my heart and body has towards you, when you are away from me. Every hair on my body stands up, every pore on my body opens, just craving for you to hold me.
My chest is literally ripped open by my heart trying to escape back to you. It's like it doesn't belong without you.

Burying my head in your chest and just inhaling all that smell. I could survive on it. If people had told me that love attacked all of yr senses I would have laughed and called them 'wrapped up in stupid emotions' now, i understand.

If your voice was the soundtrack of my life, I could die a happy person.

There are no words to describe how I see you.

Now, I know for a lot of you ( personal friends included ) will think.. 'WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH PARRIS!?!?!?'
But what the hell has this done to me.

Don't worry I am still here.
As open minded and opinionated as usual!

But jheeze. If you guys even know, how much this has taken for me to let go.

A few months ago, I would have rather chopped off a limb (of not that much value.. if that exists?) than you told me I would feel like this.

But I am in such a happy place right now!

And I believe it shall last.

Because, no matter how hard people try to find the 'right' one.
It won't work. All the time you are looking for them. You won't find them.
And there's no use in not believing. Because it's true.

It's pretty much like Santa.
No matter that your parents and friends tell you, how he doesn't exist.
You can never help but get way to over excited because besides all the presents and food and Christmas celebrations.
That little bit of child still left in you, is anticipating Santa's slide down the chimney.

So belief in love, is that small child sitting waiting for Santa to arrive.

The best thing about it. I'm still Me.
I haven't changed one bit, I haven't given anything up or taken anything away.
I've just settled in.

So enjoy this, on me.
thanks Bluey.

13 October 2009

If I said

Long time no blog.. it would be a major understatement.

So I'm apologising now, and I'll keep up with the blogs!

So, everything is going A dot MAZING!

Right because my memory is crap, and I generally forget a lot of what I would like to say, I'ma write you a list, or severall depending on what else i remember during writing this blog!!

Things that are going oh so right, right now ;

  • I love being educated.
Just generally, education is going so well, i'm on top of every subject there is to be on top of! I don't think I am behind on anything and for that to happen to me is an achievement alone, as many of my companions know, that I have to be the most 'behind person'(not mentally just to clear that up, before you start thinking i'm usually failing everything). But I am always late fro everything.. why!? i'm not entirely sure. I use the excuse ' black timing' but what is black timing, an excuse to be late for the colour of your skin? In ways.. DAS A PAR!
But I always do everything to my full potential, and never give up, that's one thing I can pride myself on!

As usual I've gone off subject.. next one!

  • Work
Is going so well, I'm booking things left right and centre, and even though, I came off a major high from summer, and things seemed to be moving forward so fast at that time, things are still happening, its just all about time management. The other day i got the 'don't get distracted from work and stay grounded' talk from Momma Bear. It helps, because I know that no matter whatever happens, I won't ever forget where I come from, who my friends are etc.. and all hose other cheesy things that famous- up themselves - no talent - but I won big brother- celebrities, say. It's so true, if someone has worked towards something and made it wit there talent or work or something they have produced and worked hard for, they're going to stay grounded much more easily then if they got handed their fame on a plate. I'm working so hard, and I don't and won't ever forget the people that gave me those opportunities. I don't understand how someone could. It would have to be on purpose, and i don't understand how someone's conscience could take dropping someone intentionally like that! But I realised that I would rather be out of education and working hard constantly, without having to think of anything else, but `I'm not stupid, and no education has to come first blah blah.. but otherwise work is going great, and I love that part of working is just socializing, till you get good connections etc. My dad always says you should be able to count your best friends on one hand, and they should be the ones who will save you at anytime you need them. To true!

  • Me
I am pretty good right now. I'm stable minded, which is a plus and a minus. Plus because I usually am stressing or just way to chilled to care about anything, but I've grown up in the last few weeks and thought, 'd'ya know what? I gotta do this, do my best' So yeah that's good. And a minus because with my stableness, its harder to find a creative flow. My creative flow, usually comes at the highest point of any emotion, whether it be happy, sad, angry, or jealous. But otherwise I am great. LALALALALA. Yes, that's how great I am .. I am singing.

  • Well, I can't think of this last point.. hmm. Love life?
Yeah well, its not really going anywhere, but its not bad! I'm just having a real good time with my life, I figure, screw it.... YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!

So after everything going so well, its not that i'm ending on a bad note, well hell, i'm not ending at all at the moment.
But Age..... I am sorry, but age is just a number!
I get judged all the time, no not judged, but the expectations of me are lowered when people find out my age, I don't see why age has to be a major factor in anything.. Relationships, business, the industry.
Relationships for a start. You like the person, you have too much in common, you both make each other laugh. So why has age got to ruin it?! I mean yeah I get it if the girl is 14 and the guy is 28/29/30. That's like wow. Wrong!?! because there would be only one reason he was interested in her. But if its like lets say more than 5 years and both of you are at a mature, and sensible age, then go for it.
Now Business, and the industry etc. Why the hell does it mean, juts because i don't have 20 years experience, that I can't get real far, or anything? It doesn't. I've got more zest an ambition than half the 30 year olds I know.


Anyways, I am real happy at the moment!
And its Black History month, even though my area basically does nothing for it!

So everything good at the moment, blogging more soon.


2 October 2009


I understood so much, I have to write this blog to you.
No small reply or comment at the bottom.. this is all for you.
The first thing I really want to do is give you a massive hug, and say..

'Babe it will all be alright, he's a prick and not worth it. You'll get over him and laugh about this 3 months down the line'.

Yet, however true some of that may be. It doesn't feel like that for you.

It's so true, that you don't know what you have until its gone. So I think everyday, we should be grateful for the things that we do have; you might seem like you have a shit life at the moment, and no matter how many times people tell you this.. that bit really is a phase.. or no , not a phase, a rut. I get stuck in them all the time, everything is MINT! then something comes along and fucks it up. It could be the tiniest thing, but it'll be the pin in the balloon. How can something that small screw up everything that you seemed to have worked so hard for.
Complication, in life, seems to hit us much harder in our teen years and it will get easier ( or so they tell us) I don't really believe this, I believe its how we handle it that counts.. I know only being 16 myself, this may seem patronising, but its really meant to help, or more, give another persons perspective on it. This complication, so many of us have hit before.

Boy courts girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy seems to fall for girl. Girl definitley falls for boy.
Girl gets hurt.

But girl, don't let this stop you, from getting on with your life, or anything. 'He' was not your life, 'he' was not financially supporting you, keeping you on two feet, or a major player in your life, that you cannot survive without now. If he has called you saying that people have been talking, then people will talk. You need to tell him, if its you that he really wants, and you that he cares about then he won't worry about what people are saying.. after all whats the worst that will happen. You're right in saying that an 'ex' is an 'ex' for a reason. She has nothing to do with it. If he's that worried about her then maybe he should be back with her.. and people who live in the past are definitely not right for you! New, and future things are always better .... if he can't have you in his future, its not because of you.. its because he's to scared and not good enough, to have someone as good as you in his future. From this observation.. He's not good enough.

Then there's the other reason, and this one is harder to face up to. Maybe he just wasn't in it for a 'relationship'. I've seen this before, and experienced it... it hurts when realisation hits you, but its the biggest relief aswell. If he seems like he was on it from the start then, he's good at what he does, but they always are. He just broke up from his ex right? well i'm sorry to say it.. you might have been his rebound. This doesn't make him a bad person, this makes him oblivious to other peoples feelings because of what he has just been though with his ex. By making up these excuses, he's turned it back around on you. He's realised that he's got to far into this with you, and the only way to get out is to hurt you know, instead of leading you on.

I'm not saying that every guy is bad.. or even this guy is bad. You might read this, then go off to find out that, soemone really has talked shit about him and you.. and you really are meant to be together. This isn't to have you live your life by what i've just said, this is to help prepare for a better you. Don't tolerate shit from guys that are giving out mixed messages. Live for you, not them.. they've got to play by your rules!

It will get better i promise, you just need to wallow for a bit. I do it.. a little self pity is alright for times like these! But the faster you realise that you are a good, wonderful girl, and any guy would be lucky to have you.. you'll realise that no guy will want to fuck around with you again, because it'll only be his loss.

I hope this helped :)


30 September 2009

Girl.. He's just not that into you...

If you're dressing up, not being yourself and getting blamed for the lack of 'effort in your 'relationship' then.. GET OUT!
Just because you've decided to officially connect yourself to this person, doesn't mean, you've disconnected yourself from your life.
So you've fallen for the guy, but wait you haven't just chosen the guy.. you've chosen THE GUY. He's great, he gets on with everyone, and everybody seems to like him.. you know he likes female attention, but out of all the girls he's chosen you.. he tells you you're beautiful and always look nice. Everything about you 'looks good' you always 'look' good. never forget you 'look' good.
So wait.. before we talk about him.. lets talk about you;

  • So let me guess, you're the sort of girl who likes attention, but not in a 'stab other people in the back' sorta way.
  • You love looking good.
  • You were the ugly duckling, until, just like the emperors new clothes, somebody noticed you were pretty, and then so did everyone else.
  • You hang around with a group of friends who are mainly followers
  • You ALWAYS keep up with the latest fashion
So being this, none of these particularly negative aspects, you look for your equal.

  • He's always surrounded by friends
  • He always has the latest fashion sense
  • He always gets the girls he wants
  • He's sooooo shy that he seems so cute!
  • He really likes you, after you've known him for 10 years, but now you're 'pretty'
So put all of these together and BAM! you've got your perfect 'King and Queen' of the social system. Right!?

What you've got is a pretentious little princess, who has the most arrogant, self centered arse of a boyfriend in the whole of the universe. Together they create the most beautiful, bubble-headed couple you could have ever created. Perfect....well atleast they are together, so we don't fall into the bullsh!t that they have created for you to fall into their oh so pretty trap!

But if you are lucky enough to be in the position of being able to give an opinion on this beautifully dirty relationship, that nature has deemed upon us that have enough brain cells to register the evil, of the human subconcious - selection that has gone on here, then DO IT! before its too late!

Although, this may seem that a lovely relationship has occured here, the girl, usually being more perceptive and less cunning than the guy (usually.. i know this can work both ways!) She starts to realise that, the relationships starting to fall apart, and she's being blamed for everything. He says she doesn't put in enough effort, or doesn't act like a girlfriend. When really, she hasn't done anything wrong, but he see's it as her not doing anything for him and starts to bail when things get much deeper than just looks.

I think all girls in this situation need to realise that you shouldn't have go into it in the first place.. well done.. this is the first realisation.
Now the next step.... look at yourself. Yes this probably won't be hard because you're used to doing this, but I don't mean just look at yourself. REALLY A LONG HARD STARE AND LOOK.

  • You strive off of compliments
  • You begrudge anyone that has anything better than you
  • You find it hard to not compete with friends
  • You find it hard to compliment other people
  • You find it hard to be with soemone because of personality
  • Personality is a foreign word to you
  • You never really think about whats on the inside because the outside counts most.

Change it.... it'll get you somewhere.
Now back to my original point, HIM!

  • He's always surrounded by friends - because he's that guy to be with, they're not friends, they're ego boosters.
  • He always has the latest fashion sense - because he's a bratty little mommy's boy really, with no sense of originality.
  • He always gets the girls he wants - because other girls go through this process too, but they don't have me to warn them first.
  • He's sooooo shy that he seems so cute! - He's really stupid. And makes every situation awkward with his lack of witty conversation, funny comments and awkward silences.
  • He really likes you, after you've known him for 10 years, but now you're 'pretty' - its like fashion, its really ugly then someone brings it back into fashion.. soon you'll go back out of it for him.
But not for you! Why should you ever go out of fashion!? Truth is you shouldn't. Soemtimes you might feel like you have.. everyone has those periods of 'my love life is causing me to die a boring and slow teenage death' but it will pick up, just because the boys around you aren't looking at you, doesn't mean they are not looking for you. People (especially teenage boys) never see the thing they are looking for is right infront of them.

So girls and boys, if you know a couple like this. Hop in there, give your advice and hop back out. But if you know you are about to enter a realtionship like this... think twice before commiting to someone that's your equal because before we can correct them, you have to correct yourselves.

Aunty P.

29 September 2009

Start From Scratch

So, i'm in that mood again. You know the one..
Where you log into your blog, and know that your going to write a really good piece.

Then, I lost it. SH!T
I think the fact that I am slightly hungover, has hardly any sleep and really really needs to get ready to go out, much sooner than i have left myself time for. Doesn't help.

So I've just finished reading, 'He's just not that into you', wow, I don't think have ever read a book that has talked so much sense in a small amount of pages. A lot of it is about finding the 'one' and i'm only sixteen..(yes a baby) so its not really me at the moment, but it helped so much. One whole section, titled ' he's just not that into you if, he's disappeared' haha! reminded me too much of a situation I was in.. It was basically saying that, don't go after him to find out why he has disappeared, this is only going to lead to him really drilling in the fact that he has rejected you.. for a second time.

I agreed with basically everything in the book, apart from one thing I couldn't get my head around.. Guy's prefer to ask out girls, and girls shouldn't ask out guys!?
Now is this true? of all my experience with guys, I have never come across a guy, that has been offended by me asking them if they want to hang out! In fact, I was in a long term relationship with a boy that I first asked to hang out with. So i don't really know whether this is just my experience or a true fact. Any how.....

The other Night, wow. As my friend's birthday fell on Sunday, we decided we would go out to celebrate! Totally last minute thing, as we're going out the next day as well, but 'cooor' it was worth it. I love the feeling of when you put on an outfit, and you actually think to yourself..'I would' - Don't lie, you've all done it - So I'm in a killer outfit, with killer heels, yes the effects of them still haven't worn off, and as underage clubbers, we're devising out 'we have no ID because..' stories.

Well turns out we didn't need them. So we get in, and the only thing better than the feeling of putting on that killer outfit.. is walking into a club and everyone turning to look at you as you walk in. But not only a glance at who just walked in the door, I mean a long good hard stare at us as we clonked (gracefully of course) into the middle of the dance floor and shake what our momma's gave us!!

As you can see from previous posts about the 'outcast' feeling of the common room, well all hell broke loose when, we met some boys from our sixth form in there( also in my pe class- but being the only girl in that class, i hadn't really plucked up the courage to talk 'fully' to them yet.. and also with them having the mental maturity of a 13 year old.. in depth conversation could prove difficult at times) So they turned out to be the loveliest boys, and now walking into the common room doesn't seem to be that hard any more, well not hard, but uncomfortable. Even though I think all four of us have come to the terms that we will never fit in.. fully.

So dancing on podiums, shaking our tail feathers and tilting our heads back, all things, young girls should do on a great night out with friends. And a few other things!

And being in the awkward situation, of where the guy you like, and the guy you flirt outrageously with, are both in the same place, let alone being best friends.. didn't really prove to be to hard!

But yeah at the time, he didn't really know that I liked him, which brings me back to girls making the first move. I did, and it payed off to be honest! I think, that if a strong independent woman, ask a guy, then he shouldn't feel intimidated, or scared, or even put out, it just shows him what he has got himself in for. Especially with me, I don't play around, I don't want lies, I just want someone that will be straight even if it means hurting me! Not much to ask for.. is it?

I think that my emotional state at the moment, has leveled out. I mean, gosh.. that make sme sound like a crazy , self harming depressed emo kid. When all I really mean is, I'm not that bothered by being single anymore. I realize, there are so many more things, than beign in a relationship to keep my happiness on levels! Yes, beign in a relationship is WONDERFUL, and all those small feelings you get, probably I won't feel if i'm not in one, but I can deal wth that.. I can deal with ME.

me me and me. that's all i need for me.. no i'm not goign to burst into song.. but i relaise hwo happy I can make myself. I achieve things that I would never be able to do if I relied on soemone else to do them, or help me. So i'm going to live happily ever after, even if it means my boyfriend is myself at the moment.

Me, Myself and I.

RockCorps! Etc Etc.

I have never been to such a good concert in my life.

so following this, its prompted me to write a list of all the people I hae ever seen live... yes this may not be helpful or interesting to you at all.
But it will help me remember :)

Paramore x2
Plain White tee's
Alkaline trio
All time Low
Cobra Starship
Set Your goals
My American Heart
The Audition
Meg & Dia
MayDay Parade
Broadway Calls
Mc Lars
Chesney Hawkes
Girls Aloud
Lemar x3
McFly x2
Big Brovas
John Legend
Flo Rida
Master Shortie
Kid British x2
Chipmunk x2
Tinchy Stryder
Taio Cruz
Wretch 32 x2
Wizzy Wow
Lethal Bizzle
Kelly Rowwland
David Guetta
Rob Da Bank
Chase and Status
Plan B
Katy Perry
New Found Glory
Daniel Merriweather
Just Jack
Kid In Glass Houses
Corinne Bailey Rae

i'm sure there's more, but i'll update when i remember!

28 September 2009


Yes! we are!
sitting in photography googling, watching, talking and 'trying' to buy twilight merchandise off of the websites!
Oh gosh, in a world where vampires and wolves exist, why wouldn't a teenage girl want to get lost in there! why wouldn't we want what bella swan has?
that's the thing.. we do.
It's not real, but its desirable.
I'ma get it.. i'ma get my edward cullen.

So in a world where, humans run side humans, and feelings complicate everything.. i'ma try and introduce a little bit of twilight, i'ma get my love story.
I'ma get Edward.. my Edward.

22 September 2009

Shadez! - Uni Tour!

Heyyyy, once again I have been lucky enough to accidentally (but pleasantly) stumble across some SWEET! Uk Music.
Start supporting my big bro, Shadez The Misfit! He's working hard to get where he needs to be, so I want all of you to catch him on his Uni Tour with other great artists like Bluey Robinson! All of his tour dates are on his myspace which you can find under here :)
I know this sounds complete cheese.. but really whens something this good comes up you can't miss it! I'll be there, so i want to see you there supporting the music family!
If you want to keep updated, so you can't miss anything; get onto these.



Support good music! and i'll see you there!


17 September 2009

Human Nature?!

My sense of feeling is lost... I can't feel?! I seem to be only feeling any emotion when i am at an extreme! I am either so angry i could kill, or so happy i could give a tramp a house for the night.

I think i need a change of emotions? fixed ones preferably.
I'm hoping that there's an emotional plug waiting to be pulled out and everything is going to flow again.

Maybe this will be my let out?

Why is everything i have asked for come along, and i'm contemplating ditching everything for a massive gamble.. I either take the gamble and win... or lose everything.
Feelings are complicated aren't they.. either way to deep or far to shallow.

I've always been one to have 'the big plan' but never fully had the 'big plan'.. my plan, is to not have a plan! Complex.. I know.

But surely, the ability to live life without living by the rules is there? There are too many rules for me to ignore them completely. But the point of this blog, has been far lost by these (lack of) feelings.

So here we go.

So, sitting in the common room at lunch, I look around, and I am stunned by the lack of culture, integration and friendship. No matter how many people say 'LOOKS DON'T MATTER!'
It's bullsh!t. If looks don't matter, then we'd all be walking around naked.
Girls with no make- up and boy's with no, 'Kicks'. There are girls that are socially accepted no matter what, these are the conventionally pretty girls.

By conventionally pretty girls, I mean;

  • Blonde/Brown, Straight Hair
  • Blue Eyes
  • Latest Fashion
  • Stacks of make-up

So counting on these things, the girl is bound to get everything she needs for now.
Now, i'm not saying that this girl will end up with the best of everything in life, but for now, she's doing pretty damn well(socially). And that's what I am talking about, NOW! For now, most teenage girls want a boyfriend that will treat her right, to be lusted after and to bouncing (gracefully) through current life.

So in the common room - back to the original point - I thought that going into a new school year, with new people, would have left the pettiness of such harsh social grouping behind, but no. The 'it' girls are with the 'it' boys and the 'goons' are with the 'goons'. This is blatantly social stereotyping, but if they can do it can't I!? Me, i haven't yet established my place in the commonroom, but hella no will it be with the 'goons'.

And you're probably thinking, well 'she wants to be with the 'it' girls, who wouldn't?!'
Well me! I've had my fair share of .. let's call them the 'clones'

Establishing my place in a group isn't hard. I'll basically talk to you, whoever or whatever you look like, I would like to pride myself on my ability to make friends ( this is not contradictory to the reference of the 'goons' above, my current/past social connections would never allow me to belong to this group). I'll pretty much make friends with you.. whatever! A common view point works in favour.. but so does a different. As long as you don't diss me we cool yeah?!

Clones are fickle creatures, never seeing the bigger picture. Last year, un-beknown to me, the group of girls I was hanging around with, were rapidly turning into these girls. Next thing I know, I was struggling to have a conversation with a girl I had literally known since birth! All she cared about were boys, what to wear on the weekend, and trying to quickly and convincingly make an understanding of the 'big word' I had just used in our ever failing and strained converstaion.

The sickest thing about this group of girls were the tight knit 'relationships' they found themselves in. Four Best friends were dating four best friends in straight relationships(the thought of a gay relationship was alien to these girls).. But then one's cousin was going out with her best friend.. okay. Then they all broke up. Same day, same reasons, same EVERYTHING! Fair enough, if they don't have the brains, let alone the ability to stay in a relationship by themselves then so be it. Yet getting together with eachother ex's seemed a little OTT for my likng. The incestual relationships of this group were insane. I soon found myself the 'other one' of the group.
Soon.. I couldn't handle it.

So altogether, I can't do groups of people like this. Up until last year, I was the girl that the boys fought with, not for. I have never been that pretty girl until i found my 'group'.

It's so bait when girls say this. But I generally do get on much better with boys. Whether its the fact that I have been brought up with brothers all my life or just I lack the need to bitch and would rather punch someone, get over it and be best friends again the next day.
So last year I met the 'ethnics'.. whether its just me.. but i find it easier to get on with people of a similar ethnic background, on first terms. Not saying I don't get along with other people too, but there's no awkward moment when a white personwho hangs around with no black/mixed people's converstion goes like this;

White: Hey, so where are you from?

Me: Erm England :/

White: Oh, i mean like your erm... Bla...because your coloured?

Me: I'm not coloured, I'm mixed Race.. and it's alright to say black, it's not racist.

White: Ohh right sorry, so where do you get your blackness from.

Me: :|

you get my drift?

So i meet this group of guys,(ethnics) which generally most of them are. And Damn. I was getting chirpsed by all of them. I didn't know how to handle it. Boy i was scared. So i sort out my look, and finally i was one of the pretty girls. It was/is an ego boost when you need it, and every girl , like i said before wants to be lusted over.. but so a year down the line i'm back in education, after spending the whole of summer with them, and i'm back into being the average/weird girl again.

The faces of the year above, when i walk in with a 'different' look then them.


So yeah.. after this rant, i'm decidedly disappointed in the lack of good natured people in my commonroom. Next time look around, see how welcome you are in your common room!

The thing is, i don't want to be like them.. i don't want to be like any of them. I don't need to be accepted or understood. I just need to be given enough space for me to allow myself to flow, grow and love!

My luck in this world, is too good to be true, but someday i don't know whether it will run out! So i gotta work hard to maintain a good position in life.

16 September 2009

Dear Mr Anonymous

Today it hit me, why am I holding back?
Your the one that makes me laugh, your the one that makes me smile, your the one i want to kiss bye and hug, hello.
So this is a short sweet note to say... love me? be with me and take a chance?

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

look after my heart, i've left it with you.


14 September 2009


Never in my life had I ever been so excited to get back to School, and i was right too. Okay, so first week over!
Highlights - Performing arts, Lush new canteen, lush common room, lush new canteen food! haha oh and MEETING LEWIS! haha
Well to be honest, there was not one thing that i was scared of until it came to my pe class, for a start i couldn't fin it, then there was not one person in there that i knew.. besides from that, the worst/best thing. I'm the only girl in the class. So i'm in there and no matter hwo hard i try, evrybody looks at me liek i'm an alien! So i am resentign ever takign pe. Then the secodn lessons goes, and i get lost once again. However this time, in front of me, the shinign back of LEWIS BUTT! (Yeah don't laugh at his name , he's hench and he'll beat you up!) So I am enthralled at th efact that i know someone, only problem.. i don't know whether he remebers me. GREAT! So I tell the trusty socialiate of Linzi Coulter, and she offers me his msn. I take it, grateful, and add him. Now considerign how quiet he was in lesson, this was totally the wrong impression. He';s is the friendliest, boy ever! So yes, this blog has been about my new friend Lewis :) Even thoguh, just briefly let me tell you about the new canteen!!
Comfy arms chairs, just for sixth form in our area, first service in the canteen. And oh yeah.. its not a canteen, its a Diner!
Also I managed to learn a dance in an hour, after splittign my jeans in my first dance lesson.. well doen ParrisOH!?

When will it be me?

All this love...it surrounds me, all my friends are in it, (or wanting to be) and I'm not. I'm not gonna lie, I would like a boyfriend. But I'm so rubbish at commitment. When I'm in the relationship, its great, but I get bored, then I'm single again.. and yet again i'm bored of that. I've come to the conclusion, that I'm not afraid of commitment, i'm afraid of the person, not fulfilling my expectations. I want to have the guy that will see me, first thing in the morning and not judge me, the guy that will grab my hand when all of my friend are standing there and not even care. I want someone that will look after me and not leave me to sort everything out myself. I don't think its much, but obviously, trying to find it, isn't as easy as writing about it. I just want something stable now, not love.. something just for now.
What is love?! because whatever the hell it is, I'm scared shit-less of finding it. Most people are wanting to find it.. I'm wanting to stay the hell away from it! I'm so scared that if i find it , it'll be the most overwhelming, pure, and selfless feeling I've had, and I'll lose it. No, not even that I will lose it.. I won't be able to handle it. Does love really make you stay with someone forever? Is it just that? does love really overcome everything. Does it make you trust, live and die for that person?
Whatever it does, I'm not in it. So until it comes along, i'll just be wary.

5 September 2009

Back To School Kids

Well its official! This is the last weekend before i get my head stuck back into education.. and to be honest, I never thought it would be this hard to say good bye to my free thinking and relaxed time schedule! It's gonna be hard! So I'm going back into sixth for of course, so many people have been telling me that i should have gotten out as soon as I could and gone to college, but i really didn't want to narrow down my life options yet! SO i am trying to make as many opportunities for myself as possible.. jobs, modeling, designing, anything! just to keep me form going crazy in school! i'm set to be the flyest sixth form member so watch out! I think that will be my only claim to anything. I'm not worried about being stuckwith boys or havign new lessons. I'm worried abotu not beign able to walk aroudn teh school liek i own it again. Not being able to see my boys everyday! Oh well I guess times change and we've got to surf the wave or we drown. I'm going for a new look too, so i'll hit you up with soem pictures. MY next blog will be after my first day at school. I'll let y'all know how it goes. LOVE.

2 September 2009

Fresh KREPzZ

Just a couple of designs, these were my carnival shoes, they got a likkle bit mash up after dancing and chipping all day! But they still look pretty fresh. Teh Trinidad and Tobago flag, and the S.Kitts and Nevis Flags! If anyone wants any shoes or tshirts done. parris_hoste@yahoo.co.uk or hit me up on Facebook - Parris O'Loughlin - Hoste All exclusive and individually tailored.
I got so many more coming!


Damn, Master shortie is on it! he's gonna drop these Pigeonhead trainers in October.. but only 500 are being made! I want to get some so bad! And remember his tour in October.. i'll be there! My rope chain is coming soon ;) Look out for designs being dropped by me too. www.twitter.com/ParrisOH! Big things coming!

29 August 2009

Results Are In... And The Person Going Successfully Down The Path Of Life Is..

Well Results are in, and to be honest.. I aced it! YES! I am soo happy with my results!
No matter how much pressure was put on me and all my predicted A's/A*'s I did well for myself!
All in all I got 2 A's ( PE YESSSS!!!!) 4 Bs and 5 C's and 1 D . So All in all, I got into sixth form and bring on the learning! Aha! So in this change of heart, I am going back to school, I am goign to become so focused that I ace all my A Levels, Leave go to Loughborough, Design manically and get back into Trainign to becaome a world class athlete.. obviously while partyin' in the middle!
I was so nervous goign to pick them up, i literally wouldn't come out of my room, but i eventually pulled myself out of the room, and got down the road. I think the best thing was pullign out the certificate and seeign my PE and Englsih Lit results! A's how the hell I did that in English I have no idea.. but I did! But Pe is so good for me! But now the weekend is looming near and I am looking forward to Notting Hill Carnival. So I'll be blogging about that next most likely, as I am inhumanely busy this weekend.. not to boast!
Oh yeah! To keep up with me daily, every second of the day.. follow me on twitter: ParrisOH. (www.twitter.com/ParrisOH)


24 August 2009

PINS Photoshoot

Well. I don't want this too be no long ting! But basically i had my first photoshoot for PINS a clothing company who are sickk! It was great, I went to Lewisham station with Momma Bear and Pin picked us up, I was nervous as hell, like I've said in previous blogs, no matter how confident i am, i'm still so scared of being judged by the outside! But as i climbed into the car, all my fears went as everyone was so nice! Basically the new shirt will drop soon, he teamed up with vans to create the icecream van shirt, so the whole shoot was in an icecream van! So yeah it was sick still, and everyone was dead nice, can't wait to be working with them again..Check out PINS, and i'll let you know when the photos and shirt drop, so ya'll can start buying it as quick as possible!! (and yeah i got a shirt, so if you see me rocking that ting, hell yes ask me where i got it from!)

19 August 2009

It's Ambition, Not Stupidity

Wow! This summer, (even though part way through) has been...Crazy! It's the only way for me to describe it. Opportunity seem to be popping up for me everywhere, and it leads me to think, maybe i am going to get where I want, maybe I will be the top, the number one, The Best!
I've recently got signed to a big modeling agency, which is great, being the person, I always have been, never did I think that I would be entering into a world where looks were everything. My opinions on life, have never really changed since i was much younger, so either I have really immature and naive views on life or I had really mature and open minded opinions on the world...I prefer the second. Never did I want to be put on display and judged for what I looked like on the outside, yet, here I am entering into this sort of world. AND I CAN'T WAIT. I don't know how to take my new change of opinion, seeing as my opinions have never really changed. But i'm gong to go at it head on!
SO.. aside from the modeling, I've also ventured into setting up my own business with two extremely reliable friends, and i really think our passion and creative nature alone, will lift it off the ground let alone anything else.. our sheer determination for life, even has me stepping back every once in a while and going, WOAH! Slow down, we can't take over the world before we're 20! But as long as we're having fun along the way, honestly nothing can stop us!
I've met so many new people and so many things have happened, that really have me thinking, wow, i've got this, trust.
Yet, soon my passion and enthusiasm for life will be set back a knotch. Unfortunately school will set me into routine again, and i won't have time to think about fun let alone be allowed to. Results will be in and i will be set back on the path of strict education and a path soemone else has approved for me. ARGH, i really don't even want to think about it, school never used to be so..erm..soul destroying!? noo.....erm..creatively crushing?! Boring!? Uninteresting?! God. maybe they were a bit strong, but after the stress of last year, i soon realise routine and predictability are not for me. This doesn't mean i am giving up on my education, its simply means I want to do other thigns besides, go to school, get grades, go to uni, get grades, get job have a family.. life over. I want to travel the world, i want to get a tattoo from every country, I want to meet new peopel every day. I want to live without limits. It's possible, i know that.. yet is it allowed?! how many people have actually turned around to the people they love, the ones who think they know best for us and gone, sorry but i'm doing it my way, i'm leavig all of you, i'm living for me now. I don't know, and i'm sure its not many but this is what i want to do. People talk about purpose of life, the meaning of life, why they're here. Well i think only you know your purpose, and if your purpose is to share it with other people then do it.. but hoe can you ever truly fulfill your life, if you don't live as much as you can.. So that's its i'ma do my thing for now, while i am legally restricted, but as soon as i hit that age, i'm gone, fending formyself!!!! Then when i'm a successful, famous young woman, i'll look back at this and go...

i told you so ;)

Daddy's Girl.

Pure Jokez, in the Hizouse. I thought I had to put this up, because its a classic picture. Ahh Gotta love these boys, just hanging out in Bluewater. I'm getting my business head on today, and taking after Daddy (and a little mommy too) I gotta sort out contracts, paperwork and then drop a few designs for this clothign range. It really does help to have parents that are in the game, Momma's designing skills will lift this! I am so determined. I got so many ideas... so i'll be blogging any designs to get your opinions!!

There All Part of The List, Things That I Miss..

Its great while it lasts. But then you get attached.. and that's never the idea.
I think at the age of sixteen, you should be able to have as much fun as possible and not worry about anything during your summer holidays... this plan has epically failed for me. Okay.. lets start from the beginning....
I've had a few boyfriends, some clever choices, some just lust, some i later regretted, but haven't we all. Relationships are the basis of much experience in life, however, the experience isn't always of the good kind. this year I found my self in a relationship with the boy that was THE BOY. Every girl wanted him, all the guys wanted to be him. It had been a few months since my last 'proper' boyfriend and I was so swept off my feet, it was unbelievable. We had met at a party and hit it off from the start, I spent all night joking and messing around with him, from that day I was besotted. We saw each other for about a month and a half.. this doesn't sound long but it was long enough for me and him to connect on a level that I didn't think possible. I could tell what made him laugh and he knew exactly what to say just enough to make me blush and wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Things were great, and my life was sound. We went out and every girl was the envy of me, I knew this, he was so beautiful that it was hard not to notice, but I didn't care about that, of course it was what first attracted me to him, but everyone took this for granted, they loved his look.. not him. We were different.

So time goes on... I don't hear from him, 3 days later I find out he has a new girlfriend, 3 days after I spent the whole day with him, 3 days after my heart was swollen with love for him, 3 days after he made me blush and laugh, 3 days after my love had been complete.
Another heart broken.
So all of this has brought me to my point of playing the field. I can't.. can someone really have that much of an effect on you after such a short period of time. Every time I get close to someone, I am reminded once more of him, how the boy smiles, just like he did. How the boy laughs, just like he did. How the boys makes me feel, not even close to how he did. He's moved on, or appears to, but could it just have been me, or was it really real for him too? Does she notice the way he smiles? Does she play with the curl on the back of his neck that never was never brushed in?
I know one thing from all of this, i won't feel the same for a while. I won't cry for you anymore though, I won't be sad for you anymore. I will be happy about the time we had, about the things you said. I will be happy about you.

"I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always something right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or something on the t.v.
No it ain't easy

ps. i'm still not over you.

31 July 2009

Its Not All As It Seems

Well, as my first blog, i am unsure what to write completely, but i'll give it a go.
Wow! well lately my life, hasn't even had a chance to hold on, new friends, new experiences, new places, but most of all new feelings. Sitting here, listening to India Arie - I am not my hair.. the song could not be any truer. But its more than that, recently having encounters with new and different people, i realise that i do worry about what people think about my appearance, i worry whether i am wearing the right clothes for the right 'type' of person, or whether they will think less or more of me because of the shoes i decide to walk in, or the way i decide to wear my hair. Is swagger all about not caring what other people think, and going with yr own style or flow?
The answer is .. who knows?! People's opinions will never match up to eachothers entirely, but for me, worrying about what other people think, is a natural progression of life. If I dress differently because i want to hang with different people, then so be it. To change whats on the outside is not a bad thing, its what we have control over. By changing the outside, we can improve on the inside. So yes, its still on the inside what counts but don't dispell whats on the outside. It's what people see first, its what attracts you to people, they'll stick around for whats on the inside though.. never forget that.
My Swagger isn't immaculate or unscathed, its mine. I'll rock with the best, I'll walk the strongest, I'll talk the hardest. All by my standards. I'll rock the best I CAN. I'll walk the strongest I CAN. I'll talk the hardest I CAN.
So people,this has been kinda deep for my first blog, but I just went with it :)
Remember don't underestimate yourself.