3 May 2011

Changing Face

I think that sometimes you just don't know how to act because you changed for someone and you spent so much time changing or having been changed that you can't quite remember how you were before.

You can't quite remember certain feelings or certain reactions;

You hestitate on things you should say and say jokes you maybe shouldn't have.

That's why its harder to forget someone than to get over someone.

You're almost stuck in the mode where you're used to knowing how someone would react to you or something you say or do.. it's natural.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for someone not acting on something.

But that's how I see it.

Just.. Don't lose who you are.

11 April 2011

Romans Revenge


Who knows how a girl can turn into Queen Bee bitch?

I do.

You never think that it is possible or gonna happen to you, until it HAPPENS to you.
One day you're fine and next day, yesterdays best friend is today's worst enemy.

But fuck it, I am out for myself and no one else!
Today my brother Tazar said some clever words.
'Opt to be a sheep and live a life of boredom. opt to be a wolf and live a life of loneliness'

Well seems i'm the only one howling out here.
It's funny how you are BORN to do something, or to be a certain way.
How can a little baby be.. i don't know.. destined?! -I guess, no matter how out there that sounds - to do something or be someone.

I dunno, but I was.
and do you know how?

Not because of any reason like,
'I was born to do music'
'I was born to do this'
blah blah

I just haven't changed!

It sounds stupid and maybe a little pretentious, but i really haven't.
There are little things that have influence over me or the way I think etc.

No.1 - My Mom No.2 - My Music No.3 - Love.

That's it, and considering the love thing is skeptical you can consider that a definite two!

I remember being in primary school and having my own little swag and way of doing things.

I've basically come to a point where I've had to take my head out of the sand and face my future.
That's scary.

But to be honest it had to be done.

So I'm standing staring at my future and its basically looking up at me from my hands and saying, please don't throw me away!

No one is born to do anything.
It's bullshit.
You weren't born to do music or born to be a great photographer, blogger whatever you are.

You were born to be the best version of yourself and born to do everything the way that you are.
If you apply that to music or photography or whatever then good for you, you're putting that to use and THAT is what you were born to do.

So fuck everyone else!

I'm on my own vibe, and my revenge on all those bitches is my success.

'Parris they just mad cause you took the spot. WORD!? You bitches mad cause i took the spot? Well... BITCH IF YOU AIN'T SHITTIN' THEN GET OFF THE POT.'

26 March 2011

My Ode To Hip Hop

So I'm sitting here with the beaming sun coming through the window.

Well.. I say beaming.. but we are in England.

But ANYWAYS! It's my weekly does of Kardashians and I'm watching

Kim & Kourtney take New York.


- NY That is -

100% the best week of my life ever..

But it got me thinking about that lifestyle;


Ever since I was tiny I have been exposed to music, Hip Hop mainly.

Sometimes even banned from listening to songs because I was too young.

NWA - when i was like 5 maybe wasn't the best thing for me to be singing in school. But then again I was straight up GANGSTAAAA!

I was just enveloped in music, in HIP HOP.

Hip Hop is not only a type of music, but a culture and way of life.

Hip Hop is an album cover, to a pair of trainers. Hip Hop is a way of dressing and talking.

You cannot porttray Hip Hop thorugh just photographs or a magazine interview, you can't show Hip Hop through any type of media. You have to live Hip Hop.

Hip Hop vibes everywhere.

It allows you to feel free, it allows you to be the headliner at Madison Sq. Gardens and the hood celebrity stunting on the corner, all at the same time. Hip Hop allows you to have all of the riches in the world but have no money in your pocket.

Hip Hop isn't just about what sells of what flops, not about how many mixtapes you drop or trainrs you got. Hip Hop is graffitti on the street and the way you hold yourself and the way you talk and dress and live. Hip Hop is not something written on paper then put to a track. Hip Hop is drawn from the soul, something that is organic and real. Hip Hop is the soul and streets of all music. Hip Hop is in touch with the curb and yet Hip Hop can buy you a Bentley. Hip Hop is everything and Hip Hop is me.

I am Hip Hop.

This is why people like Cher Lloyd have no place in Hip Hop. She sang a hip hop song (just about) and now is in the studio with Lil wayne? This is what is wrong with Modern day Hip Hop. You can't just sing a song and then you are Hip Hop.

Hip Hop isn't treated like it should be anymore. It is taken for granted.

It used to be a club that you could feel part of because it brought something new everytime and now that club is being exploited by people wanting fame and money. Hip Hop is not just loving a few Hip Hop songs, you have to BE Hip Hop.. therefore the reason people like cher lloyd cannot be Hip Hop, hip hop is a culture and a lifestyle. You can't just sing a song someone else has written over a beat someone else has produced. Thats not hip hop. You have to be able to create hip hop.

And I dont mean just music. I mean you have to bring hip hop to everything you do. Your swag your voice your music .. your life. You have to be hip hop not portray it.

Hip Hop needs to go back to the days of J Dilla, Nate Dogg and The Fugee's. Having rap battles in the bronx in b ball courts, with a guy with a big ass chain that he saved most of his wage for. To a someone that has mad talent making beats but hasn't got a studio, he's only got his mouth. And a guy that doesn't write lyrics on his Blackberry but sits with a pad and a pen writing lines that rhyme. Hip Hop needs to be a word used not so loosely but to be held high and honoured. Bring Hip Hop back.

This Is How We Do It!

Source Bar, Maidstone - Me & The Boys.


So literally not in the best moods..
1 - I should have done an essay
2 - I am no where near starting that essay
3 - Money, every 18 year old girls problem right?!

O.K... so it's not that bad, but the urge to just sleep doesn't help the whole situation.

Sooooo.. UPDATE!

I've shaved my hair, I have a tattoo
& I have a Blackberry(yes yes i know i finally gave in, but i'm still loyal to my apple family!)


I'm still just as uncool as I was before!
& proud.

So glad i'm back on here to be honest, I was going a little crazy with all the thoughts in my head, that are now stored in my Blackberry (but will soon be appearing on here)

Shit has changed as well..
I mean real shit has gone down!

but we'll get to that!
So for now, i'll get off mumbling on, try and gain back the few readers of my blog that I did have and go continue my life.


I needed

A re-vamp.. so I did..
I will be blogging a lot more too! and putting a lot more different stuff up on here!
To be honest, my tumblr is where all my random things go, this is a bit more.. sophisticated!?

That might sound pretentious but MEH! who's judging?!

16 March 2011

I'll be back..

and i mainly always am.. but neglection isn't even the word for what I have done to this blog.

I love blogging, and its so my thing, but i think i need a revamp of the blog.. to either change it up a bit or maybe create a whole new one? hmm anyways for now i shall think about that while i continue to blog feelings that don't help anyone or anything :) THANKYOU AND GOODNIGHT.

29 November 2010

Wanting is my Need

People always try and distinguish the differences between want and need.
They say if you want it, you don't need it and if you need it, you don't want it?!
But really, if you want it, you do need it.
Love; if you want a partner and you want that feeling of security, then i'm sure you need it. I'm sure it will make you a better person; if you don't abuse it. SO you do need it.

Money; if you want money. I'm sure there's some reason behind wanting it. You might want to buy a better house! As far as I know a house is a need and neccesity.
As far as I know, nobody wants just for wants sake. There is always a theme of needity behind it.
Wanting is the same as needing. I think it's just been given a different name because the reasons behind wanting something maybe aren't as prominent or urgent as needing something.
Just because you have to go out and get it or say it is what you want to gain, doesn't mean that is it any less important. Generally people that go out and tend to their wants and needs,
get everything they want and need!

The same with needing. It's usually because someone else wants it for us that we don't usually WANT it. A need is something thrust upon us. Either by society or a person, a situation or consequence. We don't usually want it because it wouldn't have been our first option.
Just think. Nobody wants to walk around wearing fifteen different layers, hats, gloves and scarves. But because of the cold weather we HAVE too. We NEED too. Everything we need, we know deep down that we really want.
So essentially want and need are the same things in a roundabout way. So next time someone asks 'why?!' or says 'there's no point you don't need it'. Say that you wanted it and really... there is no difference between them. And next time you need something, consider that it's something you might want aswell.

Ain't no question, if I want it, I need it - 'Ye

8 November 2010


What are you gonna do with your life!?

I HATE this question.

I HATE thinking aboutthis question.

I HATE answering this question.

I don't have an answer!

atleast, not yet?!

I know its all about the usual stuff..Uni, Work, family etc.

Why've I got to do that!?

Now i'm not diminishing the value of any of those things, and I want them all..

But what the hell happened to spontaneity?!


Mine has been crushed lately. hmm for a while.

I generally blame it on being in the same place for too long.

And I think that is it.
I'm such a fidget, but you know when you generally LOSE your mind from seeing the same things, knowing how a person is going to act, knowing what is going to happen next.

Like wtf!?

Spirit is so important and I don't know how to explain it.

The only way I can try to describe is;

you know when you get a tingly warm..complete!? feeling inside and your brain goes

'yeah, yeah i got this'
When you have a sparkle in your eye.

When you get excited for something to happen because you don't know what the outcome might be.

And when you are excited by ..life!

When you are the kid that everyone turns to because you are permanantly happy.

Not a forced happiness but a warm, belly gut feeling happy

And shit might be hitting the fan,

but you still have the mentality to do something about it, because you know that you will get through it, and it will be better.


that's it.

I didn't realise how important it is to have determination like 95% of the time.

There's so much I feel I want to do, not even long term, short term i'm talking and if someone was looking in on this situation, they would be like, DO IT THEN

But there is something in the way, and thats me..

Without strong spirit, I make up every excuse or say 'tomorrow..'

It's so wrong, because that's not me.

I'm laid back, not lazy.

I'm authoritive, not bossy!

I'm an action first, think later person.

29 October 2010

Have You Ever Been So Lost?!

Being a guarded person means a lot of stuff is .. guarded.
Feelings, emotions, secrets, thoughts, the usual.
So I guess that's why i've been feeling so lost lately.
I was going to say down.. but I think that's not the right word.


that's it.

I'm never afraid to be alone, I'm terrified of being lonely.
And lately it's been like watching myself in a film, I can't remember the last time I was close to someone, like mentally, physically, emotionally. any of it.

Perfecting the balance of energy that is academic focus and personal focus is something I evidently still haven't got the grasp of.
Your soul isn't something to be shied away from. Its everything. It's your emotions and your thoughts and feelings and your reactions all bundled into one and i don't knwo where mine is at the moment.
But I'm guessing it's somewhere between my head and heart.
I've been acting like I have everything to lose when in fact, I should be performing at my best, my most reckless, because I have absolutely nothing to lose.

Trying to find someone who understands is a general failure in my area.
I think I literally got rid of all my 'friends'
I use this term so loosely now.

I've always had people around me, but no one who knew me.
That alone wasn't something that I was expecting to backfire on me.

I fell out with my best friend.

I don't think to this day that they cared about me that much.
Nothing got resolved.. and maybe just forgetting about it isn't going to work, because it's still there isn't it?!

I'm generally lost in my life.
I'm trying to push through it but it is fucking hard.
and I hardly see the point half of the time.

Love, friendship, all that shit.

whats the point.
especially when no-one is willing to be there to help you along the way.

Someone help me restore faith into the human race, cause i've been there and done that shit and so far no-ones been.. THERE.

gimme someone who's not going to walk out at the last minute, or when things get hard.
gimme someone like me.

it's like I'm trying to shine and all the lights already been stolen out of me.

"if i pray do the words just go to outer space?!"